


Of Nightmares and Migraines

by sparkly_butthole



Series: The Future Is Ours [12]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, First Time Bottoming, Getting Together, Light Angst, Light BDSM, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 07:37:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: Between Mindoir and Akuze, Harbinger and the Normandy SR-1, Commander John Shepard has survived a lot. To most people, he seems unusually laid-back, considering the burdens placed upon him.What most people don't realize is that Shepard hasn't slept more than four hours a night since he was sixteen years old. He's grown damn good at hiding it, even from his partners.But when Kaidan Alenko comes along and steals John's heart, he realizes it's time to share the load... or else melt under the stress.Written for the 2018 Mass Effect Big Bang!





	1. Normandy SR-1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to the Mass Effect Big Bang 2018. Thanks to Azzy for putting it on, and to all my friends (you know who you are!) for supporting me. 
> 
> Art by the absolutely amazing [wolframbeta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolframbeta/pseuds/wolframbeta), who has been a fantastic collab partner! 
> 
> Thank you to [ellebeedarling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling), my wonderful beta for this entire series. TFIO would not be what it is without you. <3

 

“I’ll secure the docking area. Everyone else can follow me over.”

Great. Well, no use risking the rest of the team for it. They need Tali for her knowledge of the geth, and Kaidan… forget about that. Shepard mentally slaps himself for taking Kaidan on this mission in the first place. EDI would have been able to secure the lock, and if they lost her to space it wouldn’t be a big deal; she is the ship, after all.

But now he has to go forward with this idiotic plan. Which means there’ll be nothing but mag boots stopping him from floating into the vacuum of space.

Memories flash: the hiss of escaping oxygen, the unpleasant feeling of it being ripped from his lungs. Then the instinctive struggle to avoid death, to breathe, desperately attempting to hold the breach, knowing it was useless but physically unable to give up the fight.

Kaidan’s voice over the comm, panic rising to the surface. Shepard’s last memory had been Kaidan’s sob, breaking his heart into pieces even as death overtook him.

Yeah, fucking stupid idea.

Nevertheless, he has to do it. He’d died in space once. No way will he throw the man he loves to that fate; he’s not willing to risk it, even as unlikely as it is.

Unfortunately, he’s an open book to Kaidan.

“Sure you can do this, Commander?” Kaidan asks him quietly, holding a hand on Shepard’s shoulder in front of the airlock.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” That’s a lie, though, and John winces as he says it.

“I don’t buy that. Listen, I can go if you need me to.”

“Don’t even think about it. I won’t put you at risk like that, Kaidan.”

“Commander, I’m a Marine and a Spectre. I can take care of myself out there.”

“And I’m the Commander of this ship, and I say it’s too much of a risk. We’ll meet at the dreadnought.”

Kaidan’s face softens as he tries again. “You do realize it’s okay to delegate this, right? Considering your history...”

Shepard gives him a hard stare and moves toward the airlock, shaking off his arm.

“I can take care of myself too, Kaidan. We’ll meet up soon, and I’ll be on the comm the whole way.”

“But Shepard…”

“End of discussion.”

“Aye, sir,” Kaidan replies, all professional but obviously anxious as hell, and Shepard sighs but doesn’t falter in his decision. He won’t put this man that he cares about so goddamn much at risk like that. Not like that.

But he can’t think about that now. It’s time to feed the monster.

He hears Kaidan whisper, “Stay safe, Shepard,” and closes his eyes before stepping out into the inky blackness.

And _woo boy_ , this sucks just as much as John had suspected it would. To distract himself, he listens to Tali and Kaidan bickering good-naturedly over the comm. The pressure gets to him quickly, though, and he starts breathing heavily.

Of course, Kaidan hears him.

“How are you doing, Commander?”

“Just fine, Kaidan.” He huffs a laugh. “Listening to you two bicker over Omni-Tools is like watching infomercials though.” He yawns to further the point.

Tali scoffs. “I can tell you a thing or two about your Omni-Tool, Shepard.”

“She’s coming onto you, Commander,” Joker cuts in.

“Well if so, she’s a better flirt than you are.”

“Really? I’ve never turned my girlish charms on you before, Commander, so how would you know?”

“I’m not into girlish charms, Joker,” Shepard answers wryly.

“Wait, what? Does that mean you’re not into… I mean, you’re gay?!”

Kaidan laughs, and John smirks in his helmet. He’d told Kaidan shortly after coming aboard the first Normandy, already feeling an unmistakable pull toward the gorgeous biotic with the slick, black hair. Kaidan had taken it in stride; John had thought, at the time, that he was merely accepting. But now, those long looks he’d gotten from Kaidan after their visit to Flux seem different to him. He remembers the look he’d gotten from Ashley, too, one he could only describe as heartbroken at the time.

And jealous. That, too.

“Tali, you’re gonna like the view.”

_Nice non-answer._

Not that it matters. He’ll tell the entire galaxy he’s gay if he damn well feels like it.

Once they get to the dreadnought, Shepard has to sit down and put his head between his knees. Fuck this. He’s getting trashed tonight.

Kaidan tries to give comfort, but what words of comfort can he really give? Shepard knows he’s beating himself up over letting him run this particular gauntlet, especially considering the feelings that he knows Kaidan has for him, but there’s nothing anyone can really do to help. They just need to get through it.

Kaidan kneels by him. “You okay, Commander?” he asks quietly.

Shepard looks at him and smiles weakly. “Better now.”

The smile he gets in return is worth a hundred spacewalks.

 

***

 

John rolls his eyes when the knock comes. “Come in!”

“Hey Shepard!”

“Hey Kaidan. You know it’s okay to just walk in, right? The door panel is green. That’s there for a reason.”

“Yeah, I mean I guess. Doesn’t feel right just barging in here, you know? It’s not my cabin.”

_Do you want it to be, Kaidan? I’m willing to share._

Shepard clears his throat. “Whatever you say, boss man.”

“You say weird things sometimes.”

“Do I? Hadn’t noticed.”

Kaidan grunts. Shepard watches him walk around the cabin. It always seemed to him like the man needed a minute to make sure everything was in the same place, that there was nothing new to be concerned with in the room. And not in the way someone with PTSD would do it, either. More like a cat, checking to make sure its scent hadn’t been tainted by someone else’s. Shepard snorts at that image.

“So, you ready to go?”

“Absolutely.”

They pull up the holo, preparing themselves for the most important mission of their lives - Mario Kart. Still a classic. The mood in the room is somewhat somber, though, because John has a bad feeling about what’s coming later tonight.

He looks at Kaidan and speaks quietly. “I don’t know about you, but I need this tonight. It’s been a shitty day. I mean, we got it done, so I can’t say I regret anything. That’s kind of the way of it these days. A success is a success, period. But you were right; I knew I shouldn’t have taken that walk. That’s going to come back to haunt me.”

Shepard had gotten so quiet that Kaidan has to strain in order to hear the words. That spacewalk is draining his already depleted reserves, as hard as that is to admit. He feels like he hasn’t slept in a month, and there’s no doubt that Kaidan can see it as clearly as if it were etched in stone.

Kaidan reaches out and grabs his hands. Shepard marvels at how soft they are in spite of their years holding a gun. Nothing like his own calloused digits, despite the fact that they’d been rebuilt.

Kaidan responds just as quietly, as though John’s admission would spook and run away if he pressured it too much. “What do you mean, it’ll haunt you?”

Shepard forces himself to look at the other man. There’d never been any point in hiding from him, and neither of them have any doubts that something is growing between them, so he figures he might as well talk about it.

Goodness knows, he needs someone to listen.

And the only person he’d ever be willing to talk to is offering.

“I have nightmares. Every night, for most of the night. About everything. The decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve had no control over, too. Sometimes I feel like my entire life is one big nightmare.” He sighs and rubs his hands over his face. “I don’t want to burden you with this, Kaidan-”

“Shepard, don’t be ridiculous. I told you I’m here to help and I am. Just talk to me. Tell me about the nightmares.”

“You sound like a shrink, you know that?”

Kaidan smirks. “Maybe you need one.”

“A smart ass one?”

“Isn’t that the best kind?”

“Better than the other kind, I guess.” He takes a deep breath, shakes himself and starts over. “The nightmares. God, I could spend all night telling you about them. I’m afraid if I start, I’ll never stop again. But you’re offering, so I’m giving. I’ve had them for as long as I can remember. Probably since the batarians killed my parents and kidnapped my sister.”

Kaidan’s eyes are big brown saucers. No one but Anderson and the Alliance personnel who’d been there that day know that. He’d always told everyone that she died, that they had considered her too little and injured to take and just killed her. But that wasn’t what happened. He realizes he’ll probably tell Kaidan about it eventually. For now, the admission will have to be enough.

“I think it’s how I deal, honestly. I mean, even the crew thinks Commander Shepard has his shit together, and you guys know me pretty damn well. But that’s not the case. I just funnel it into my subconscious, pretend I’m well-adjusted, and then pay for it later.” He gives a bitter laugh. “It’s not like there isn’t plenty to scream over stuck in my head. It’s a shit stack I add to all the time.”

“Mindoir.”

_Where’s my sister where is she what have they done to her what do I do_

“What I did after.”

_Please don’t kill me, it wasn’t me, I didn’t hurt her I never hurt her-_

“Akuze.”

_Get out get out go go go now! Run Shepard, run! Don’t look back!_

“The _Normandy._ ”

_Can’t breathe! No air, nothing left, I’m dying I’m sorry Kaidan I’m so sorry_

“Ash.”

_You know it’s the right choice, LT._

“Mordin.”

_Someone else might have gotten it wrong._

“Thane.”

_Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he was to me._

“Earth. The little boy.”

_Everyone’s dying!_

“All the other worlds and lives I couldn’t save and had to leave behind. Those I’ve sacrificed in the name of this war.”

_Palaven. Aratoht. Eden Prime._

“… Horizon.”

_It was like losing a limb._

“And I don’t just mean the colonists.”

Kaidan jerks his head up at that and stares, dark eyes searching. John simply stares back. The silence hangs heavy between them.

Then the comm buzzes, interrupting like the asshole it is.

“Commander. Admiral Hackett is requesting you again. And he wants to see Major Alenko this time, too.”

Seems this will have to wait.

 

*******

 

Two days later, the war room is packed with crewmembers wondering at the news they’ve just received. Eden Prime. They’ll be going back to Eden Prime. It’s impossible to stop looking at Kaidan and Liara’s faces the entire meeting. There might be a Prothean artifact there, but it’s more momentous than that. It’s where they met Ashley, where they lost Jenkins and Nihlus. Where it all started.

After awhile it becomes obvious that Kaidan is hurting, the lines etched into his face aging him ten years. Shepard makes sure to wrap up the meeting quickly and carefully walks behind Kaidan, watching as the man stumbles towards the CIC. Kaidan needs medical attention right away, but for some reason he hits the button for Shepard’s cabin instead of the crew deck.

“What the hell, Kaidan? You need Dr. Chakwas.”

“It’s not that bad yet, Shepard. I need to lie down in a quiet place, but I didn’t want to leave you stranded after… what we talked about. I’ll stay with you tonight. Don’t like the thought of you sleeping alone after the past few days. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Don’t argue with me about it.” His voice is strained but his back is straight, and he’s wearing that face that says _you’d be stupid to argue_ more convincingly than his words. Would it be selfish to let him come up to the cabin even in this state, selfish that Shepard still wants him to? Though if nightmares and migraines are reasons for them to come together in the night, that sounds good enough for him.

He doesn’t argue the point, simply leads Kaidan to the bed, rubbing his neck and unsure what to do next.

“Uh, do you… I remember you saying fabric on your skin could be too much.” Why is he stammering? The man needs help. There’s nothing sexual about this - it’s merely an offer to a friend. If one doesn’t count the fact that someone who was just a friend would’ve been led to medical instead of Shepard’s own bed, of course. “If you want… you can take off your clothes. I don’t mind.”

Apparently Kaidan isn’t so far gone he can’t recognize Shepard’s embarrassment. Amusement lines his smooth features. “That’s kind of you, Shepard, but it’d be too much of an imposition. I can deal with it.”

“No, it wouldn’t. It’s going to get worse before it gets better, right? I’m here to help you. You’re always asking me to let you help. Same thing. Take off your clothes and get comfortable. If you don’t, I’m taking you to Chakwas and she can deal with you.” And tell her what? That Kaidan refuses to get naked in his bed? That’d go over well. “The sheets are cool and clean. I’ll get you a rag and a bottle of water.”

He turns away, busying himself with the preparations and looking for pajamas. He studiously avoids looking at the Major. It’s bad enough to hear the sound of cloth sliding across skin, a silken, alluring call that fills him with pure _want_.

Kaidan takes the water and rag with a muttered _thanks_ , sitting up on a pillow at a diagonal in order to drink and hold the washcloth in place at the same time. John sits next to him, marveling that Kaidan is actually here in his bed. It’s not how this is supposed to happen, but in a way it’s even more intimate, and John finds himself blushing crimson from root to tip. Kaidan had offered, even in the haze of a migraine, to be there for him in the middle of the night. And John knows how difficult it is for the other man to show vulnerability; he hates it when Shepard shows up to med bay to help no matter how bad the headache.

The truth is, this is a precious moment. Shepard finds himself staring at the Major, eyes closed now and gritting his teeth. Even in pain, Kaidan is perfect. He always had been. The lines on his face from age and the stress of the last few years only add to his beauty; the grimace of pain ignites John’s protective instinct. He loves him so much it physically hurts, the swell in his chest threatening to bring tears to his eyes.

“Hey, Kaidan?” Barely a whisper now. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Kaidan opens an eye, just a smidge, and takes a breath before speaking. His voice is faint. Innocent, even wrapped in that whiskey that’s practically the definition of sexy. “Can… can you hold me?”

John’s breath catches. This… this would definitely be going too far. He doesn’t think there’s any way back from it if they take this step.

And he wants to. Desperately.

“Yeah, Kaidan.” _Swallow, John. Don’t choke on your own spit._ “I can do that.”

He wraps him up, careful not to jostle his head, moving one arm underneath the neck and the other around his naked torso. Nestling together feels perfect, and John has that urge to cry again.

Kaidan relaxes against him. Heartbeats murmur beneath his fingertips, the rhythm of life and love and happiness. What the batarians had taken from him at sixteen and what he’d assumed he’d never find again.

It was why work always came first, why he had risen through the ranks and excelled in N7 training, why he had become _this_. The Commander, the ultimate badass that’s not afraid of anything except love, simply because it might be stolen away in the blink of an eye.

Can he afford to love Kaidan? If it distracts him from what needs to be done, the answer has to be no. This isn’t a war that can end in a truce, or a treaty, or even subjugation. It’s an all-out mass extinction event, and nothing will survive if they fail. Nobody will.

And the likelihood that he will die either way is very high.

But he longs for it. Had longed for it since he’d laid eyes on the quiet, thoughtful Lieutenant. And while Shepard knows the galaxy is worth any sacrifice he has to make… is this such a sacrifice? Does it have to be? Both of them are professionals; hell, they’re Spectres. Letting their relationship interfere with the dynamics of the battlefield would be irresponsible no matter the mission, and neither of them would do that. And while there’s a definite urge to safeguard Kaidan growing inside him, it’s something they can learn to deal with. He’s not sure if he’s trying to talk himself into it or not, but isn’t sure that it matters anyway. John Shepard is in love with Kaidan Alenko, and there is no making that untrue.

He just hopes that loving him doesn’t end up being the most selfish thing he ever does.

 

***

 

_Shepard awakens to the sound of the ship’s alarms blaring. He pops out of bed, paging Joker to find out what’s happening. The brief moment of silence before his pilot answers him is terrifying, because Joker is on top of shit, Joker’s a pain in the ass and a huge handful for the Commander but he’s on top of his shit and he’s not there._

_It takes him only a few seconds to get his gear on, and he hates how eerie similar this is to another time, to that night he lost Tim, lost Elena, lost his entire unit. Two things run through his mind on repeat, and he tries to focus, to worry about it later - he’s gotta be a leader now, not just survive -_

_(Go go go, get out of here Shepard, run!)_

_No. Fuck. This is not Akuze, not by a longshot. There’s no reason to think such a thing could happen here._

_His mind isn’t done fucking with him though; it moves to Kaidan next, his gorgeous black-haired Lieutenant, the man he desperately wants and desperately needs to keep that very secret from; Kaidan, who pulled him out of the fury and hurt and utter despair after Ash’s death, who’s been here with him and for him through the whole race to stop Sovereign. Kaidan._

_(Go, Shepard! Run!)_

_Shepard shakes his head to clear it one more fucking time and yells out for Joker again. This time, he answers it._

_“Shepard, the ship is under attack. Unknown hostile. Preparing for evasive maneuvers now. Hang on!”_

_He braces himself and sprints to his locker for the enviro-suit, then panics, because Kaidan is nowhere to be found._

_“Kaidan? Kaidan?!” he yells like a wild man, like an animal in a panic, trapped in a box with nowhere to go, like he’s about to lose the love of his life. Fuck, now why’d he go and think a thing like that?_

_The ship’s inertial dampeners disengage then, blown out or destroyed, doesn’t fucking matter. He lurches sideways and yells for evac._

_Kaidan answers the call._

_“I’m here, Shepard. Joker’s refusing to leave the cockpit. I’m getting him.”_

_“No, Lieutenant,” he states firmly, but it’s too late, Kaidan doesn’t listen, and Shepard hears the fight between the two of them as he evacuates the Normandy crew, helpless because he can’t fix it, can’t do anything, and then the explosion happens and he yells into the comm, the void… but Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan is gone._

_Not gone, no, not yet; he hears him struggle to draw breath over the comm, knows he’s done for, fuck fuck FUCK NO -_

_(Go go go get out of here Shepard, run!)_

_No. Akuze was bad; this is worse. This is everything he’d ever wanted, everything he didn’t know he was missing, and now it’s too late. In a flash of insight he realizes that no one will come after Kaidan’s body, not like they did John’s, Cerberus doesn’t care about a solitary Lieutenant that Shepard loves more than anything…_

_He’d never told him._

_And now he’ll never get the chance to._

 

_***_

 

“Hey. Hey, Shepard? Wake up. Wake up, Shepard.”

Kaidan’s voice is the first thing he hears as he comes to, struggling out of the dark hole of unconsciousness and into the light of his cabin. Then he becomes aware of Kaidan straddling him like he’s breaking in a horse, holding his hands above his head and in place.

Wow. If this is real, it’s the best way to wake up ever. Especially from that hell.

He still feels a little confused, though. “Kai… Kaidan? What are you doing here? You were just… I saw you…” He looks into Kaidan’s deep brown eyes and feels tears gather in his own. “You’re really here?”

“Hey! Hey. I’m alive, and I’m here, okay? Right here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Shepard’s body trembles as Kaidan wraps him up in his arms, holding him tightly. He feels a little embarrassed, but that’s alright. The man he loves is okay, and that’s worth all the embarrassment in the universe.

Now he remembers everything - the talk a few days ago, the migraine last night… Kaidan in his bed, offering this, a refuge in the midst of this torture that haunts his every night. It’s kind of a shock that he stayed; Shepard had expected Kaidan to leave as soon as possible, as soon as the migraine went away.

Kaidan cocks his head. “Of course I stayed, Shepard. I told you I would. Do you think my word isn’t good or something?”

“God, no. It’s not that. I just… no one’s ever done that for me before. People have a tendency to just leave when that happens. I’ve been known to punch. Or claw.”

“I’m not afraid of that.”

“I see that.” He looks at Kaidan’s face from his refuge against his chest. “Thank you.”

Kaidan stares back - god, how John wants to spend eternity in those eyes.

“So I helped?”

“You did. I would’ve been stuck there for I don’t know how long. Or thrown into something worse.” He feels clouds cross his eyes, but they pass relatively quickly. “I am curious, though. Why didn’t you leave when you felt better? You didn’t have to stay.”

“I just hated leaving you like that. We haven’t gotten a chance to talk about it, and the dreadnought was-“

“I know.”

Silence descends on the cabin. John’s not sure if he wants to talk about, well, anything. The dream, the mission… Horizon. Or maybe something light and fluffy. Instead of considering the question, he just yawns and stretches, black N7 t-shirt taut against his body.

“So, Kaidan. Are you going to stay?” He says it so nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal. Like they’re actually lovers. _Should he stay?_

“I should probably go, actually. Lot of work to do tomorrow and I should try to get more sleep.”

“Forget what you _should_ do. Do you _want_ to?” Shepard watches him curiously. He’s saying Kaidan is allowed to stay. Here. In his bed. Naked.

Well, no time like the present.

“I, uh, I…”

“You can, y’know. I thought maybe… maybe I won’t dream again if you’re still here. And if I know you’re here to wake me, I won’t be afraid to fall asleep.” There’s a vulnerability in his voice that he’s unused to hearing. It’s a little terrifying.

Kaidan deliberates for a bit; Shepard can practically see the gears turning in his head. He’ll be disappointed but not surprised if Kaidan decides to leave. He’s pretty sure that Kaidan wants to stay, but that doesn’t mean he’ll actually do it.

“Yeah. I’ll stay.”

John can’t hide his smile or the happiness behind it. “Good. I’m glad.” He rotates back onto his side, facing Kaidan, but doesn’t move back into his space. Without preamble, he closes his eyes. Kaidan watches him - he can feel it - likely amazed at the difference from just moments ago.

Shepard holds his breath as he feels Kaidan scoot over, closer to him, snuggling back against him, the soft fabric of John’s t-shirt and pajama bottoms the only thing separating their skin. John, half-asleep, sighs contentedly and wraps an arm around him.

It feels amazing.


	2. Virmire

**Chapter 2. Virmire**

 

“Scratch one!”

“Really, Vakarian? Do you enjoy hearing the sound of your own voice in the field, or what?”

“You’re one to talk, Shepard.”

“Hey guys, maybe keep it down. Cerberus is here in full force. Liara’s busy at the prothean device. We need to get back there before they figure out we’re just a diversion.”

Shepard shakes his head. Kaidan, ever the pragmatist. Doesn’t want the rest of them to have any fun. Well, Shepard intends to have a lot of fun with him later, but that’s not the point. Right now, they’re in the middle of combat.

“Alright, alright. Let’s head back. Looks like we’ve taken care of them on this side of the colony.”

They climb down a little hill and head up the other side, and that’s when Shepard notices it - a single lily of the valley, one of the old Earth flowers that he hasn’t seen anywhere outside of Eden Prime. He stares, dumbfounded, as he recalls the only other time he’d seen one.

 

***

 

_ “Gunnery chief Ashley Williams reporting for duty, sir.” She gives a crisp salute and then betrays her nervousness, glancing around with wide eyes. He feels for her, this pretty young woman who seems so far out of her element and so brave all at once, but they’ve got a job to do. _

_ “Fall in line, Chief. We’ll have time for debrief later.” _

_ She gives him a grateful look and resolutely faces forward, happy to be under someone’s command once more. The flowers on the hill behind her glow in the mid-afternoon light, bouncing off the shine of her Phoenix armor. It’s a beautiful sight, and one he will remember for the rest of his life. _

 

***

 

“Shepard, you alright?”

He shakes himself as Kaidan’s gloved hand falls upon his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m alright. Don’t worry about it.”

Kaidan gives him a knowing look. “It’s the lilies, isn’t it?”

“You remember?”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re being overrun by Cerberus. A little help would be appreciated.”

“On our way, Liara.” 

On impulse, John pulls him out of sight and gives Kaidan a kiss, brief but sweet. “Thank you for being here,” he murmurs against his lips.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

 

***

 

Shepard chooses to deflect his unease with humor and sex, as he is wont to do. The dreams - most likely of Ash - will undoubtedly crawl into his bed tonight, unbidden, but at least Kaidan will be there. And in the meantime, he’s hungering for his new lover something fierce. Maybe some kinky sex will help him get the memory and the guilt out of his head. He doubts it, but it’s worth a shot. 

The truth is, he longs for the day when they can flaunt their relationship in front of the others. Or maybe  _ flaunt _ isn’t the right word, but at least be open in their affections. Shepard’s finally got what he’s wanted all these years - needed, really, if he’s being honest about it - and having Kaidan close, being able to keep him safe, being able to show him just how much he means… well, that’s something special. Something beyond what John deserves.

And some part of him knows it’s unfair to worry about Kaidan being safe, but that urge to protect has only grown over the last few weeks. Especially now that he has seen Kaidan so vulnerable, has seen Kaidan’s trusting, gentle soul for all that it is. He doesn’t want to see Kaidan crumble and become cynical because of what they face. Hell, the only reason Shepard hasn’t gone too far down that route himself is because he’s a little out of his gourd.

They’re in the mess hall that evening, Shepard lost in these thoughts, when Liara clears her throat. Shepard realizes he’s been staring at his lover for a minute or more, longing undoubtedly obvious on his face. It amuses him a little that Kaidan had been staring right back. 

The phrase “lost in each other’s eyes” is making a lot more sense these days.

He turns his thoughts to the mission, the one that had been more than just a run-of-the-mill assignment. The prothean currently riding in engineering is living proof of that. 

He brings Javik up, and Liara grimaces. It must be difficult to see everything she’d understood turn out to be wrong, but that’s okay. The funny thing about it is that Liara detests historical inaccuracies more than she’ll mourn the loss of her blissful ignorance.

Shepard looks at Kaidan again, smiling secretively. “Seems like more than just three years ago,” he says with a wistful note in his voice. What it sounded like to an outsider would seem straightforward, but what he means goes deeper than that.

_Three years since I fell in love with you. Feels like a lifetime, like I’ve never known anything but you._

Something’s wrong with Kaidan, though, if the grim look on his face is anything to go by. “You were wrong in the shuttle ride, Shepard. I haven’t been there for you. Not since the beginning. Did you forget when I shut you out?” His voice is bitter, and he can’t meet John’s eyes.

“Hey. Look at me.” Shepard grabs his chin and pulls him in for a light kiss, mindful of the late hour and the fact of Liara’s presence. Kaidan closes his eyes and leans into it, looking for forgiveness… as though that was still needed. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” He wants to say a lot more, but can’t with an audience.

Instead, he gives Kaidan a brilliant smile, one full of affection and adoration, promising that later, he’ll prove just how much it matters.

Kaidan’s eyes search his own, and the smile on his face grows more hopeful. “I told you, I wasn’t gonna miss this one.”

“Good. Or I might’ve had to slap you around a little bit.” Shepard lifts his eyebrows suggestively. Liara might know about their relationship, but hopefully she doesn’t realize statements like that are more than just flirtation. He’s certainly not counting on it, though.

Kaidan, of course, just rolls his eyes.

 

***

 

The day drags by painfully slow. What’s worse, it seems everybody needs him. Now that he’s decided that Kaidan is his savior for the evening, he wants nothing more than to get back to the cabin and ravish him, show him exactly what Commander Shepard is capable of, take him apart piece by piece so that he can put him back together again. 

Maybe stave off his own nightmares in the process. 

But first, there’s the debriefing. Of course that’s necessary, especially considering the result of the mission was a new crew member. At least it’s an interesting debriefing, considering their new cargo.

And their cargo is in a category all on his own. The damn creature seems obsessed with giving him the hairy eyeball. Eyeballs. He feels small underneath that gaze, feels like Javik knows what he’s thinking, how badly he craves his lover like a sinner craves salvation. 

_No, don’t glare at it. Or do, I mean it’s glaring at you. Or is that just its face…?_

He sighs with relief when it’s all over and follows Kaidan and Liara to go kit down. Seeing Kaidan’s body in his under armor, still sweaty and slick from the fighting, has him half hard in a moment. Kaidan spares a glance in his direction and smirks. Smug bastard. Now that he knows that he has John wrapped around his little finger… well, it’s all over. Shepard’s gone on the man even more than he was before.

It’s funny that no one else seems to be able to read Kaidan, not like Shepard can - he feels like he’s been placing the Major under a microscope and learning all of his little secrets. It’s intoxicating, and it’s crowding out thoughts of the rest of the day - the good and the bad both. In his estimation, that’s a tremendous victory.

The implied comparison to bugs makes him shudder, however, so he focuses on forgetting that analogy entirely and moves to get down to his military uniform, carefully facing away so that no one will see his hard-on. Kaidan has now finished with undressing and is eyeing him, though in a completely different manner than Javik had done. Those russet browns are absolutely stunning… and mischievous. Shepard glances straight ahead and tries to get his body under control. 

Damn his lover for turning his own tricks against him!

Of course, Vega chooses that moment to walk up and get into a conversation with Kaidan, right as Shepard’s ready to drag him to the elevator. Interested in the prothean. _Science,_ is he hearing that right? Vega isn’t interested in science, he’d stake his life on that. Is he missing something?

Kaidan manages to get out of the conversation relatively unscathed, seeming to have humored James in his questioning by gently suggesting he speak with Liara about it. Finally! Their eyes lock and Shepard nods toward the elevator.

Next thing Shepard knows, Steve’s in his own face.

“Hey, Commander! I thought you might want to see this!”

“Uh, okay, Steve. I just thought maybe I’d go and get showered first. It was a tough fight out there, you know-“

“Nonsense! This will only take a few seconds. I wanted to get your input on this assault rifle modification…” Steve trails off as he begins walking toward the weapons bench, clearly expecting him to follow.

And what the _hell?_ Shepard doesn’t even have the training to shoot an assault rifle!

He doesn’t want to seem unfriendly or curt, so tries to listen to Steve with his full attention, shrugging apologetically at Kaidan. Kaidan who is, as always, unflappable. He waits patiently, seeming unobtrusive, a shadow in the room. Shepard reflects that he’d have been a damn good infiltrator.

“Okay, Steve, what is it?”

Steve goes through the requisitions terminal, having lost his place in the queue. “Who was the manufacturer again? I seem to have forgotten…”

Shepard clears his throat. “Steve, I’d be happy to come back later, but I really do want to get cleaned up. And I’m sure Kaidan wants to go over the mission and start our reports to Hackett soon.”

“Here, I got it! Take a look at this…”

Steve talks about the rifle modification for the next five minutes with more animation than Shepard has ever seen from the man. This is _so_ bizarre. Finally, he manages to extricate himself from the situation, with a small pat on Cortez’ shoulder as he moved toward the elevator… only to find Vega sauntering up to him with another question.

At least this time, the topic is organizing a fight night. They hadn’t had a day to rest in a few weeks now, and some of the crew had been getting restless, particularly those that hadn’t seen any action. Or been involved with tracking and outrunning Reapers in whatever system they happened to be in. That makes some sense to Shepard, but man, couldn’t they wait half a damn hour?

But hey, his cock has finally decided it’s time to chill out. So there’s that.

He waits impatiently for Vega to finish, probably giving him more free reign than is strictly necessary in an effort to escape. Hell, Shepard’s pretty sure that if he were a cat, his tail would be swishing all over the place by now.

And of course, just as Kaidan is about to turn and head for the elevator again, right behind Shepard, Cortez taps him on the shoulder. 

Shepard isn’t going to throw up his hands. Nope. He will  _ not _ act like a toddler.

_How in the hell do I deal with this all the goddamned time? Feels like the entire galaxy wants my attention all at once. Guess I’m used to it, but fuck me, I just want to pound my partner into the mattress. Is that so much to ask?_

Shepard’s had enough. “Cortez! We need to look into this prothean data with Liara and then report to Hackett as soon as possible. You down for fight night tomorrow?”

It’s a damn good thing that N7 training had come with diplomatic courses _._

“Oh, yeah, of course, Commander, of course.” He sounds apologetic, slightly sheepish. Now he gets the memo?

It’s hard to hide the exasperated sigh that wants to fall from his lips. _Just walk towards the elevator. Fifteen feet. Ten. Five…_

Even as the doors are closing, he expects another interruption. He sighs with relief when they are finally alone.

But then immediately, EDI’s voice fills the elevator. “Major Alenko, Dr. Chakwas would like to see you in the med bay. Commander, Javik is looking for you. He would like to talk to you about the fight against the Reapers.”

Shepard gives Kaidan a rueful look. “Thanks, EDI, we’ll be right there.”

In his agitation, Kaidan flares a little bit, which makes Shepard chuckle.

Shepard leans in and kisses him quickly. “Meet you back at med bay. This will only take a minute. I’ll pull rank on Karin too if she fusses.” He makes a frustrated sound. “I need you. Soon.”

It’s always like this after a firefight, and it seems like it’s contagious, since Kaidan’s practically jumping out of his skin. Shepard calls it the ‘vanguard blood rage,’ which he had shamelessly stolen from the krogans.

_“Hey, that’s what Wrex said it was. I fought and killed a thresher maw with just Garrus and Grunt. And I’m an honorary member of Clan Urdnot!”_

_“Yeah, and you headbutted a krogan, blah blah blah I get it. Fuck’s sake, John, you’re not a krogan! And if you go so far as touch ryncol again, I will end you!”_

He shakes his head at the memory and steps off the elevator, ready to do what needs to be done so he can get back to his baby.

 

***

 

One of the most unfortunate things about Kaidan is that he thinks his lack of ability to deal with frustrating situations like this one makes him a poor leader; Shepard’s of the opinion that his own uncanny ability to do so is a side effect of his insanity. After all, as the galaxy’s gone to shit, and his own list of things to do has lengthened considerably, the nightmares have gotten worse. And his antics on the field are a little… aggressive, to say the least. That’s not exactly the sign of a normally functioning human being. It’s just how he deals, and it seems to work. 

Doesn’t mean this isn’t frustrating as hell, though.

He shakes his head. Time to go visit their unfortunate and extremely strange guest.

“How are you settling in, Javik?”

“I believe some of the crew wishes to be my friend. That is not my purpose.”

“As long as you’re willing to work with them.”

“To destroy the Reapers? Absolutely.”

“Good.”

“I also find that I need to wash my hands. The residue of your ship is… strong.”

Okay, what the hell does that mean? The _residue_? Like, they need better cleaning supplies? Shepard is so floored he forgets about Kaidan for a second.

Javik goes on to explain. Miranda. Thane. Grunt. And holy shit, the things the prothean knows about all of them is terrifying. What the hell can he read about Shepard himself? 

He has to fight a shudder. Most of him is an open book, or at least would be if someone asked about it… but some things? Some things should remain private, even for a figure like Shepard who lives in the spotlight. Hell, Shepard even likes public sex, but he still thinks that’s true.

As if on cue, Javik speaks up. “And you. You have nightmares. You sleep three, maybe four hours a night. If you are lucky. Not enough, yes? How do you plan to fight the Reapers on less than half the sleep your species needs?”

Well, at least he hadn’t mentioned Kaidan. John’s not sure if he knows - surely the prothean wouldn’t be able to keep himself from saying something, maybe about distractions on the field. 

“Javik, I’ve been getting less than four hours a night since I was sixteen years old. I haven’t collapsed yet,” he finishes wryly.

Javik regards him for a moment. “Alright. Against my better judgment… I trust you. There is an… air about you. You inspire this crew, and many, many others. If anyone of this cycle is capable of defeating the Reapers, it is you.”

And that should make him feel better, make him feel like there’s a point to all this striving, even if it ends up not being enough. But it’s always unsettling to remember that there are trillions of lives depending on him. Nightmare fuel.

The conversation continues. The prothean seems… extreme in some ways. Shepard understands that there are situations in which a person has to be a hardass. Force is the only way to deal when diplomacy fails. With the fate of the galaxy at stake? Yes, he can understand that.

But sacrificing the soul of his own species, of his moral principles to get the job done? No. There are other ways to win, and he will find them.

Despite the prothean not wanting to find friends, John mentions striking up a conversation with Garrus anyway. Maybe his more chaotic sense of justice would give them an opportunity to connect. Everyone needs to make connections in order to survive. And when working seamlessly with a crew, even more so.

He can’t help but feel sorry for Liara, though. All she’d ever wanted to do was understand the protheans. Now that one is here, it seems her life’s work had come to nothing more than disappointment, considering Javik doesn’t even want to talk to her.

He sighs, leaving the prothean’s quarters. Why does it seem that only Kaidan can cheer him up these days?

At least he _has_ Kaidan now. As on top of shit as he tries to be, and loathe as he is to admit it, it’s probably the only thing that will get him through this war.

 

***

As luck would have it, Kaidan is on the other side of the door as he goes to step onto the elevator.

And as luck would also have it, EDI interrupts before John can even ask about the visit to Chakwas.

“Commander, Admiral Hackett is on vid comm. He is ready to discuss the prothean with you. Joker would also like to speak with you on the bridge.”

Shepard grits his teeth next to Kaidan. “I’ll be right there, EDI.”

“Acknowledged.”

They stare at each other, beyond irritated.

“Let’s go up to the cabin for a minute. The world can wait a goddamn minute, can’t it?”

Kaidan gives him a small smile. “I won’t complain.”

Once in the cabin, it’s like all the weight falls from John’s shoulders at once. Like stepping out of someone else’s skin. He stands taller, feeling years fall off his back like so much detritus.

_ When this is over _ , he promises himself,  _ Kaidan and I are going to have this ship together and kick ass all over the galaxy. On our terms. _

Those deep brown eyes are full of desire again, too, and Shepard watches with pleasure as Kaidan shivers. John steps in to kiss him, teeth and tongue and lips, rougher than either of them are used to. It’s full of the frustration of the last hours, as though he could pour it into Kaidan and leave it behind.

Finally they pull away, needing to breathe.

“I really have to go. I’ll be back as soon as I can, though.”

Kaidan smiles shyly at him, and Shepard gets the idea.

“Get undressed while you’re waiting for me. Put on your collar. On the bed, legs spread. Do NOT touch yourself. Got it?” 

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan answers in a small voice, embarrassed despite being alone in the cabin.

“Good. I’ll be back,” he repeats, and then he’s gone.

 

***

Just as he’d figured, the mood’s over by the time he gets back. Kaidan is under the covers, snoring softly. Shepard fingers the collar, wishing he could wake his Major but knowing that’d be cruel at this point. He sighs and climbs into bed as silently as possible, but sleep eludes him. His body and mind fight it. Unsurprising, given the day’s events, but not exactly welcome.

Shepard finally drifts off with Kaidan’s name on his lips, hoping against hope that Ash won’t come visit him in the night.

 

***

  
  


_ Kaidan. Kaidan. He has to get Kaidan, has to save them both, but no - impossible. The released krogans - hadn’t he killed them all? - charge at him, three of them - impossible. He’s running running running into a brick wall, straight into death itself, but he’ll do what he has to do to get Kaidan out of here in one piece. Hell, he’ll stay behind with the damn bomb if he fucking has to, but that’s the thing, the seconds tick by and he’s not gonna make it he’s not gonna make it - _

_ The geth die, the krogan die under his gun, his boots, his rage, and there’s Ash, protecting the bomb with her life like a good soldier and dammit she is a good soldier, she’s a great soldier, but it should be Kaidan there. It’s all wrong and there’s nothing he can do now. _

_ Kaidan. He has to save Kaidan. _

_ He runs through a pool of blood, of anguish, straight on board the Normandy, tries to rush right back off to do the impossible (no not impossible, please no not this not this) but they hold him back with greedy, grabby hands. _

_ “There’s no time, Commander,” they say. “We have to go,” they tell him. _

_ “No!” but it’s too late, Joker’s taking off, Kaidan’s down there and Joker’s taking off -  _

_ “No!” he sobs, dropping to his knees in the shuttle bay, avoiding the stares of Garrus, Wrex, Tali. What would they know about deep brown eyes, pools that he could’ve, should’ve, lost himself in, but now it’s too late. Now he’s gone. _

_ The ship shifts into FTL and he senses the nuke go off, a rattling deep within his bones, and he screams, oh how he screams like they’re ripping out his very soul. _

_ But his soul’s already gone, and all that matters in the universe is gone with it. _

 

_ *** _

 

The next morning is rough. Kaidan obviously feels guilty for falling asleep, which is ridiculous, but it’s not like Shepard’s ever been able to assuage his guilt, so he doesn’t bother trying. He doesn’t have the energy to, not today.

But by nighttime, things are settling in. It’s been a relatively quiet day, and Shepard arrives to the cabin for his ‘personal time’ at 2200. Joker doesn’t need to know about the deal he made with EDI. 

The soft hiss of the door causes Kaidan, who’s been napping, to stir. His hair is tousled already, chaotic black curls escaping from their static hold. He’s completely and utterly gorgeous, and John can’t breathe for a moment as he stares like an imbecile.

Kaidan also wears the collar,  _ his _ collar, the symbol of their bond, so much more than just a simple leather strap.

And nothing else.

John growls from deep in his throat and stalks toward the bed, a feral grin plastered onto his face. He’s going to make this man see the stars in every way possible.

Kaidan’s cock stirs to life the instant he catches sight of the predator ready to pounce. Shepard’s breathing increases as he watches, hunger dancing across his skin and through his bones, and he  _ needs  _ Kaidan, needs him the way a drowning man needs air.

In contrast with his inner darkness, though, he sits down gently next to his partner, not knowing the other man’s headspace yet. Always in control. Shit, maybe that’s part of the problem. 

“Thank you for waiting. Guess I’ll have to reward you for that.”

Suddenly, he leans down to kiss Kaidan, who rises up to meet him halfway. It starts out tender, soft mouths open, both men simply content to breathe the same air. But soon, Shepard leans further down, pressing Kaidan into the mattress, tongue begging entrance and meeting no resistance.

Their tongues dance, each sliding across the other and making them shiver. Kaidan grabs John’s neck to pull him down further, sending a clear message that Shepard isn’t the only hungry one here.

As the kiss ends, Kaidan gives a soft laugh. “John. You know I’d always wait for you.”

John grins. “Oh you are one smooth talkin’ sonofabitch, you know that?”

“That’s why you hired me, right?”

“Maybe. It could have just been because I wanted to watch you strut with that outrageous ass of yours.”

“… strut? I take offense to that!”

Shepard snorts. “Okay, boss man. You love strutting around here like you own the place.”

Kaidan smacks his arm playfully. “You know you can call me something else, right? Like maybe  _ cock slut _ ? You never know, maybe I’d like that.”

Shepard raises his eyebrow in surprise. “Holy  _ shit _ , Kaidan. Cock slut?” he asks, incredulous.

“Cock slut,” Kaidan agrees, looking awfully self-satisfied. Then he bites his lip.

“Holy shit,” Shepard repeats, staring helplessly. “What on earth has gotten into you?”

“I  _ don’t  _ have anything in me, Commander. That’s the problem.” He bites his lip again, and fuck if that isn’t the sexiest thing  _ ever _ .

Shepard’s gravelly chuckle expresses his appreciation. He sheds his clothing in five seconds flat, eager to quench the desire that had been burning in him since Steve picked them up in the shuttle yesterday.

He lies on top of Kaidan, weight almost entirely on the other man, and kisses the daylights out of him. It’s far more urgent this time, no more dancing. It’s an appetizer; indeed, a taste of things to come, pun absolutely intended. He can be gentle during foreplay, if his lover requests it of him, but he only knows one way to fuck. And it does not involve dancing in any sense of the word.

Shepard figures a person should always fuck like it’s the last time they ever would. Because it just might be.

Especially in their line of work.

But those thoughts don’t bear following right now, so he pushes them away.

“Tell me what you want,” he whispers in Kaidan’s ear, once they come up for breath. “I’ll give it to you any way you want it tonight… except gentle,” and the sound that escapes him in that moment is pure evil. He feels Kaidan shiver underneath him again.

It’s been a long couple days. Kaidan, much like him, seems to have had enough. “Fuck me until I black out. I don’t want to remember any of it,” he whispers back.

John makes a noise somewhere between a growl and a groan. “You know the magic word.”

“Please fuck me, sir.”

“Mmm. I think I can do that, soldier.”

Without hesitation, he flips Kaidan over underneath him, cybernetics giving him the strength to manhandle his lover easily. He positions him on his belly, face down into the pillow.

Shepard grabs the lube and prepares his lover as quickly as he can, relishing the squirms and moans his ministrations cause in the biotic who’d been waiting so patiently to get fucked senseless. Not long after he has two fingers in, Kaidan breathlessly asks to be fucked again.

He crawls up over Kaidan’s body, leaning in to whisper once more. “You’re awfully impatient tonight, aren’t you, my love?” If he has to be patient for a few more minutes, so does Kaidan. That’s only fair. “Or should I call you  _ cock slut _ ?”

He delights in the effect those words have on the submissive lying underneath him, surprised at how filthy Kaidan is already becoming under his influence. It’s nice to see him let loose. Shepard would probably do anything the man asked, truth be told.

Except hold back. That’s not ever going to happen.

Finally Kaidan’s good and ready. Shepard’s in position behind him, cock slicked up and just outside his entrance. “Beg me.”

“Ahh… John… sir… please,  _ please _ , sir…”

“Please what? Use your words.”

“Please!” 

Shepard can actually feel Kaidan’s pelvic muscles spasm against him. It’s hot as fuck seeing him so desperate. 

“Try again,” he encourages.

“I need… I need you. In. In me. Pl…  _ please _ … sir.” 

“ _ Fuck _ yes,” John growls. Then comes the delicious rush, the unbearable urge to take, to feel Kaidan surrounding him in the most intimate way possible.

Shepard knows how to make Kaidan boneless and unable to resist. He thrusts into his lover a careful inch at a time, even though Kaidan could easily take all of it in one go. 

Kaidan makes a low noise underneath him as Shepard bottoms out, pulling him flush against his hips. It reverberates through Shepard’s own body, causing heat to build at the base of his spine already. Fuck, the last two days have been  _ brutal _ . He  _ needs _ this.

Then Shepard pulls Kaidan onto his knees, so that his back is against Shepard’s chest, one arm around his torso and the other across the stomach. Now Shepard is making stuttered, choked-off noises, embarrassing noises, right in Kaidan’s ear. His infamous self-control doesn’t have many cracks, but this is one of them, feeling Kaidan against him, falling apart like this. Knowing that it’s more than just physical pleasure. They’re joined emotionally, too - and fuck, he’s going to come soon if he’s not careful.

John resumes his impressive pace. Kaidan takes it like a good boy, doesn’t even bother trying to touch his cock, because with Shepard, he doesn’t need it.

Not that Shepard would allow that anyway.

Kaidan tenses underneath him, and Shepard makes a feral noise. “Don’t you  _ dare _ come without my permission, you hear me?”

“God, John… I ca… I  _ can’t _ hol… hold…”

Then Shepard’s teeth are in Kaidan’s shoulder, and the hand around his chest moves just over the collar to cut off most of his breath. Kaidan’s hands move to grab Shepard’s wrists, but only to hold on for dear life.

Shepard once again marvels at the trust Kaidan places in him, how amazing it is to have this strong, confident person under his command. He lets go of Kaidan’s shoulder and breathes on the amp port at the back of Kaidan’s neck.

Kaidan tightens around him again - it’s a cheap trick - and whispers _ please _ with what breath he has left; Shepard murmurs  _ yes _ into the sensitive shell of his ear, and that’s it. Suddenly, everything is blue, crackling with eezo, the hum sharp and distinct in the quiet room. Kaidan’s climax hits him like a Mako, and he turns limp and pliable in Shepard’s arms, barely even awake. Shepard follows shortly after, not wanting to oversensitize his lover.

He watches Kaidan ride the haze, full of pride and pleasure and something approaching happiness.

For awhile, bathing in the afterglow, neither man can speak. Or breathe, it seems. They can’t even cuddle like they normally do. Biotics run hot, and both of them are officially too exhausted to move anyway.

Finally, Kaidan breaks the silence. “John.”

“Hmm.”

“ _ Fuck _ , John.”

“Yeah,” he drawls, sleepy and spent. “I’m pretty sure that’s what we did. You even put on a little biotic display for me.”

“Didn’t even know that was possible. That was the best sex ever. I mean, I didn’t know it could be that good. Holy shit.” Shepard watches with amusement as Kaidan’s mind works, expression turning from puzzlement to horror. “Wait, did I actually ask you to call me…” He doesn’t seem able to finish the sentence.

“A  _ cock slut _ ?” Shepard supplies. It says a lot about how tired he must be, because he can barely grin.

Kaidan groans and throws his head back. “Did you slip something in my drink today?”

“Nope. You came up with that one all on your own, Major.”

“Fucking hell, you’re a bad influence.”

“Yep,” Shepard agrees, nonchalant and utterly relaxed.

Kaidan sits up. “Hey, something seemed weird yesterday.”

Shepard opens an eye. “Every day is weird around here, K.”

“No, no. It was… Did it seem to you that Cortez and Vega were messing with us? Maybe Joker and EDI, too?”

“Um…” Now that Shepard thinks about it, maybe that _ had  _ been the case. He hadn’t considered it yesterday in his haste to get Kaidan to his cabin. “Yeah, maybe. You think they’re playing a game with us?”

“Sure seemed that way to me. Do you think they know about us?”

“Cortez, maybe. He’s pretty observant. But I’m pretty sure he’d congratulate us, and he’d definitely keep it secret from Vega. So I doubt it. And Vega?” He snorts. “Vega couldn’t see a fist if it was coming at his face.”

Kaidan appears skeptical. “Except you literally tried to punch him and he beat the shit out of you.”

“Hey! That’s a mean thing to say. He didn’t ‘beat the shit out of me,’ you ass.”

“Not my fault you let your guard d-“ He cuts off and dodges as the pillow flies over his head.

“Don’t make me bite you again.”

“What? Making fun of you gets me bitten? Fucking sign me up for that then.”

John rolls his eyes. “Do you think 2300 is too early for sleep?”

“I don’t know, do we have anything going on tomorrow?”

“Just being chased by Reapers while trying to play fetch for a few more hands on deck.”

“Hey, don’t be sour. We need all the help we can get.”

“Speaking of, I think we’re headed to Rannoch soon. Just waiting for word that the fleet is ready…” His voice drops off and that’s it. 

Shepard wakes up after six hours of dead sleep. Maybe he’s found the magic fix to his nightmares, after all.


	3. Akuze/ Mindoir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains one of the coolest pieces of art I've ever seen. It was exactly what I'd pictured when I wrote the scene.

Shepard jerks awake next to Kaidan and sits up, sweaty and panting but otherwise okay. No screaming or thrashing tonight, a great sign.

 

Kaidan sits up next to him, bleary-eyed and adorable. “Hey, you. You good?”

 

John sighs tiredly, though he can feel the pulse in his neck jumping excitedly. “Yeah, I’m good.”

 

If Shepard says so, Kaidan won’t push, but it’s obvious he wants to. Shepard fights a stab of irritation at the thought, reminding himself that Kaidan is just trying to look out for him.

 

“Alright. It’s, uh,” Kaidan checks the clock, “not even 0230 yet. You should go back to sleep.”

 

Shepard goes from dock to FTL in a few seconds like always. “I don’t know, Kaidan, I have that report to send to Hackett and the quarian admiralty asked for me last night before bed and-”

 

Kaidan interrupts him by leaning in for a long, sweet, open-mouthed kiss, which takes John by surprise. “Shut up, John. You’re going back to sleep.” 

 

Kaidan’s using his official ‘Spectre Major Kaidan Alenko’ voice, the one that intimidates the hell out of his students and occasionally his subordinates, hoping that Shepard will listen to him and maybe not be a stubborn ass tonight. 

 

Shepard’s eyes soften in the dim light of the stars above them. “Alright, K. You’re my boss man, right?”

 

“I am, John, when you need me to be.” Then, in a conspiratorial whisper, “Just like you are for me.” He winks and John smiles in return. “Now lay back down here.” He grabs Shepard, pulling him down against him, wrapping one arm under his neck and the other around his waist so that John’s head rests against his chest. It feels like home, more than anything has since he was sixteen years old. “You can tell me all about the dream in the morning, right?”

 

John lets out a slight breath in agreement. 

 

This is their new thing, recommended by Dr. Chakwas herself. If Shepard has a nightmare- which he still does most nights, although they’ve been far less intense than they used to be- he can take a light sleeping pill and ‘debrief’ in the morning. Chakwas had singled out Kaidan as a great resource, considering that the Major is so kind-hearted and empathetic, the perfect listener. Little does she know that the two of them are sleeping together, practically living together under the guise of work, and that Kaidan sometimes sneaks off to the observation deck to keep up appearances. 

 

At any rate, making him talk it out seems to help, and he’s finding that sharing his deeper, darker secrets with his partner - and oh, how he shivers when he thinks that word - is incredibly grounding on its own.

 

The two soldiers have not been together for very long, but that doesn’t matter. They’d been in love with each other by the time they hit Eden Prime the first time, three years ago. Everything that had happened since then had only served to further prove why they should be together now. Their love had been forged by the fires of the greatest conflict the galaxy had ever known. 

 

He makes a noise of contentment against Kaidan’s chest and starts the slow drift back toward sleep. Hopefully, they’ll get another four hours in before the day starts. They’ll hit Rannoch in six, and they both need to be ready.

 

***

 

Shepard takes a deep breath. This isn’t easy for him. He knows it’s helping- hell, the dream of the little boy had stopped entirely after just two of these little morning talks. Kaidan’s presence had been enough to chase the darkness away in those wee morning hours that used to haunt him. 

 

But now the night is over with and done, and there are things to do. Better things to do. Like break up fights between the geth and the quarians. And he’s not sure how much it says about him that he’d rather try to perform that impossible feat than just _ talk _ . Still, Shepard feels the itch, the urge to go go _ go _ .

 

He opens his mouth to say so, but his partner beats him to the punch.

 

“John,” Kaidan warns.

 

“Oh goddammit, aren’t I supposed to be the one in charge here?”

 

Kaidan raises an eyebrow at him. There’s a reason this is a morning ritual, but still. That damn eyebrow of his. Shepard glares but really wishes he could just kiss it right off Kaidan’s face.

 

With that thought, the fight goes out of him quickly. “Yeah, okay.” 

 

And then he tells his story.

 

***

 

 

 

_ Confusion. That’s the first thing John feels upon waking, and it’s all around him, settling uncomfortably into his gut like he’s inhaled it. He knows there’s something wrong but what it could be is a mystery. Still groggy from sleep, he throws on his armor and straps on guns, tossing a pistol and assault rifle to Tim, who is equally befuddled. They run out of the tent.  _

  
  


_ It’s sensory overload. Too many things happening at once, eyes and ears and smell- oh god the smell- and the adrenaline is overtaking him, he’s running, to where and from what he has no idea, but he knows deep inside him that he must run or he’ll die. _

 

_ Behind him, Tim is yelling for Elena. He knows he’s lost him, has to keep running through the camp without his closest friend because if something happens to Elena tonight it’ll probably kill Tim. And he gets it. He’d lost everything once, himself.  _

 

_ So he runs, alone now. _

 

_ Past camo-colored tents with the blue Alliance insignia stamped on them. _

 

_ Past Marines, young men and women he’s served with for such a short time but already knows like family.  _

 

_ Away from the screams of people dying.  _

 

_ Then he becomes aware of the shrieking, some kind of alien squeal that sounds wrong on a visceral level. It awakens an evolutionary reflex millions of years in the making, and makes his bones rattle and his heart pound with naked fear. His ears ache and he flexes his jaw, now trying to outrun that horrible sound that is somehow more awful than hearing his comrades’ dying wails. _

 

_ And he runs away from the smell, and that’s one he knows far too intimately. It’s the smell of human flesh, ripped open and already decaying in the breeze, blood and bone and body parts thrown everywhere. He doesn’t look, doesn’t want to see it. Underneath it is the black scent of that flesh dissolving, making him sick to his stomach. And something wild, an animal that knows no rationality, only pain and hunger. It’s gotta be whatever is making that awful sound, because it matches perfectly, and now he’s far more terrified than he is confused.  _

_ Everything is blurring. He’s trying to make it to the end of the camp, understanding he has to get to the Mako if he wants to survive this but it’s all coming disjointed, piece by piece into his mind like an old photo show and none of it makes sense, the adrenaline still pumping as the world somehow simultaneously slows down and speeds up. _

 

_ The purple moon is low in the sky. He glances over to his right; the Mako is straight ahead, but he has to fight his desire to veer off and catch Tim in his arms. Tim is moving like molasses even though he’s not obviously hurt anywhere, and Shepard just wants to yell at him, go! Then he sees Elena limping behind, clutching her leg and gasping in pain. _

 

_ And then everything stops entirely, including him, as the thresher maw slithers up behind her and spits, disgusting yellow acid that smells like bile only more concentrated, yes, far more concentrated than bile, and Shepard knows before the screaming starts that Elena’s time is up. He watches in horror as the acid eats through her light armor, searing first her skin and then sinking into the fat underneath. She’s stopped, clutching her belly, lips in an almost comical O, while Tim grasps her other hand, helpless. He knows the score, too. _

 

_ When the acid has eaten through the subcutaneous fat and attacks her bowels, the adrenaline spikes again and John is off running, faster than he’s ever run in his entire life, trying desperately to get to the Mako in time. Nobody should have to die like that, and he doesn’t intend to let it happen to him either.  _

 

_ Just as he makes it, he looks back, hoping that Tim is following, willing to wait those precious few seconds for his best friend, his brother in arms, but Tim’s stopped. Dead eyes stare at him and Shepard realizes that Tim has given up.  _

 

_ Shepard’s eyes close and when he opens them again, the thing has returned, and this time instead of exhaling acid, it bites into his comrade like he’s nothing more than a soft piece of bread. Shepard imagines he can hear the crunch of Tim’s spine as it rips his head from his body. _

 

_ He closes his eyes and wills the shaking to stop- he’s made it pretty far away from the camp and can probably manage to get away entirely if his body would just move, dammit.  _

 

_ The nightmare hasn’t ended yet, though. Lieutenant Desoto himself opens the other door, having snuck up from seemingly nowhere, and Shepard reaches out to pull him in but before his superior officer can take that last step, the maw’s acid hits his ankle and eats right through it within seconds. He moves to jump out and grab the man but Desoto is screaming at him to go, go go go get out of here Shepard, run, and who is he to disobey a senior officer? _

 

_ So he rides into the darkness, outrunning a last splash of acid and making it far away, most of the way up the mountain in fact, before he dares to glance back at the ruins of what was once his squad and is now just a pile of tents strewn with bone, blood, and organs.  _

 

_ The adrenaline stops flowing and exhaustion takes him before the pain does, which, he reflects, is the one thing he’s glad about, as he falls into blissful sleep.  _

 

“I hated running, you know? I backed down, didn’t fight for them. They were all my brothers and sisters, but Tim… I mean, other than Anderson, Tim was the closest thing I had to family. I had to watch as his girlfriend died right there in front of us, and then watch as the thing… the damn thing... “ Shepard takes a deep breath to calm himself. “Kaidan, do we have to continue this?”

 

Kaidan gives him a sympathetic glance. “Do you want to?”

 

“No. Yeah.”

 

“It’s helping, isn’t it?”

 

Ugh, Shepard just can’t deny this man anything, especially when he’s right. Doesn’t make it any easier, though.

 

“Yeah. So. I had to watch it figuratively, and then literally, tear him apart. Sometimes I still hear them, you know. Just randomly. Tim’s voice was hoarse and croaking, since he’d used it all up just to find her. Might have been better if he hadn’t. Probably wouldn’t have mattered in the long run, though.” He looks down, unable to meet Kaidan’s eyes now. “Elena was disbelieving at first. Thought she would manage to get away. Then it was terror as she realized what was happening, that she’d die in agony. Right there and then. When the screams ended, they were haunted. Like she was a ghost. And I guess she was. She was a ghost the instant that acid hit her.

 

“But the worst was Tim’s eyes. I’d heard of people giving up before, but I never imagined it could really happen. I’ve been close to death a few times but in those moments I wanted to live more than ever. 

 

“Kaidan, is that what I’ll feel if you die in front of me?”

 

Kaidan gapes. “John… why do you think of things like that? No wonder you have nightmares.”

 

Shepard moves to speak again but Kaidan interrupts - again. 

 

“We can talk about projecting that onto me later, okay? Just get through this part.” 

 

Shepard grumbles but continues. “Anyway... I saw it there. The apology, the sadness. No anger or fear, just resignation. He froze. Made peace with his death. And it came for him. I only… only hope it was quick, in the end.”

 

John’s voice drops to a whisper. His eyes rise to meet Kaidan’s. At least the panicked fear is gone, replaced by a wistful sadness. “I guess it does me no good to mope, huh? Tim and Elena died that night so I could be here with you. Loving you. Saving the galaxy from the Reapers. I had just enough time to escape because of them. All of them, the whole squad.” He pauses, pondering. “I won’t dishonor their sacrifice anymore, Kaidan. I won’t. And… and I won’t dishonor what we have by worrying the time away.”

 

Kaidan’s gentle smile is all he needs. “John. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, K. More than I could ever say.”

 

They embrace and move to leave the cabin, stealing one last slow kiss that says it all for both of them. 

 

And now, Shepard feels more determined than ever.  _ I won’t back down again _ , he thinks.  _ I’m not running from the fight again.  _

 

He knows what he’s fighting for, after all, and that’s the most important reason there could ever be. Kaidan has to stay safe. No matter what.

 

***

 

Shepard hugs Liara and gives Tali and Steve a high-five before it occurs to him that the bay is entirely empty but for them. He cocks his head, curious, looking around to see if he can figure it out - and there, sure enough, stands Kaidan, back straight and standing tall by the elevators. 

 

_ Uh-oh. _

 

He looks  _ pissed _ . Almost like he did at Horizon, only this is even more personal. They’ve made a commitment to each other, so this is about to look a lot worse than Horizon ever could.

 

_ Shit _ .

 

The others notice as soon as John does, and the room gets eerily quiet. Steve scurries off to hide, but Liara and Tali have nowhere to go. They’re clearly uncomfortable and nervous, and he can’t blame them. No matter what, he can’t have this conversation here. Tali and Steve don’t know about their relationship yet, and this is bound to get ugly.

 

“It’s okay, Liara, Tali. Kaidan and I can go up to the cabin.” 

 

They all strip down to their under armor silently and with haste. He moves toward the elevator and doesn’t look Kaidan in the eye, simply steps on and tries to shrink down to nothing.

 

The doors close behind the men and he expects his partner to lash out immediately, but of course, the older man keeps his composure. Instead, Kaidan stares hard at him, surrounded by the glow of biotics. John feels the anger coming off of him in waves, thinks that he can maybe even smell it. Underneath the clean, heady scent that is all Kaidan Alenko, there is a rising sour note.

 

So damage control. How to do that?

 

Shepard swallows because he doesn’t know.

 

He allows Kaidan to take the lead, heading into their shared space, and is shocked when he’s biotically thrown against the fish tank as soon as the door shuts behind them.

 

“Kaidan-”

 

“No. You’re not going to talk. You’re going to listen to me. Do you understand me, John?”

 

He swallows again and feels a tendril of fear tight in his chest. “Yes,” he whispers.

 

“Good.” 

 

Kaidan approaches him, stalking like a predator. John isn’t held there; he could move if he wanted to, but that would be a mistake, and he knows it.

 

His partner grabs Shepard by the wrists and pushes them above his head and against the fish tank, then takes another step so that there’s barely any space separating the two. Even though Kaidan is two inches shorter than John (minus the hair), there’s no doubt who has the upper hand in this exchange. 

 

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” It’s not a yell; rather, it’s a whisper against his lips, soft breath flowing into Shepard’s mouth. Kaidan is somehow still calm, even though his own breath is coming in harsh gasps. 

 

“Kaidan, I-”

 

The grip on his wrists tightens. “I told you not to talk, didn’t I?”

 

Shepard swallows. Nods to show that he understands.

 

“If you ever do something like that again, I will walk out of this room, off the  _ Normandy _ and not look back.”

 

It’s said with such calm finality that Shepard stares, speechless with shock. He hopes Kaidan is bluffing. Not that Shepard plans to play tag with another Reaper beam anytime soon, but who knows what will happen in this war? What he might have to do to win it? Can’t Kaidan see that?

 

It’s only with great difficulty that he manages to stay silent. He closes his eyes and breathes, hoping his partner will work through it so he can prove just how much he loves him, how much he intends to stay and never leave his side.

 

Kaidan lets him go then, and it seems like he ages a decade before John’s very eyes. Shepard drops to his knees, heartbroken.

 

“Are you starting to understand yet, love?”

 

Shepard grimaces, staring at the floor. No, he’s not understanding… but he wants to. 

 

“Help me understand.”

 

“You remember Tim? How he stood there and had to watch while that thing ate the love of his life right in front of him? How it destroyed her in a single spit, and all he could do was stand there and let it happen?”

 

Shepard grimaces but remains silent. Of course he remembers; how could he forget something like that?

 

“Sucks, doesn’t it? Picturing it? I want you to imagine what it felt like for him, if you saw me die like that, in agony and with finality. I want you to imagine what it felt like for me, standing up on the bridge behind Joker, listening to you tell me to stand down when you were about to walk straight into a  _ fucking _ Reaper beam.”

 

John looks down at the floor of the cabin. Man, he’s an idiot.

 

“Getting it?” Kaidan asks again.

 

He finally finds his voice. “Kaidan, you know I have to do stuff like that. I didn’t want to put myself into the line of fire like that, I  _ had _ to. It’s my _ job _ .”

 

“No, you didn’t, John. You have an entire team behind you. You should’ve trusted us to get the job done. It’s not just on you.”

 

He growls. “This is  _ my _ ship, Kaidan.  _ I  _ make the rules, and I said it was my call to make. And you knew what you were signing up for when we got together!”

 

Kaidan sighs and runs smooth fingers through his hair, causing little wisps to fly free of their static hold. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at Shepard like he’s thick in the skull. 

 

And he is, really. Thick in the skull.

 

“Why are you with me, Kaidan?” he snarls. “Why, when you know who I am? You agree to love me for who I am, good and bad, yet you question my decisions when they’re inconvenient for you. So why?”

 

Kaidan shrinks back as if he’d been struck. “Is my love for you supposed to be an inconvenience, John? Is that what I am to you?” His voice is low, defeated. 

 

Shepard blows a long breath out through his nose. “No, Kaidan, you know that’s not true.”

 

“Do I? Your apparent lack of concern for yourself, not to mention the lack of trust in your team to be by your side, sure suggests otherwise.”

 

He’s floored. Defiant, too. “How? How does that make sense? I do those things  _ for _ you, not in spite of you! I’m not going to leave you behind, Kaidan. Not like I did Tim. Not like I did Elena.”

 

“Fuck, John. What do you not get? You think getting yourself killed isn’t leaving me behind? God, you can be an idiot sometimes. Because there is a difference between a calculated risk and throwing yourself in the line of fire recklessly. I can accept the former, but not the latter. That is not what I signed up for. That’s more heartbreak than I can handle.”

 

John frowns and tries to process. He’s starting to think that maybe another reaper beam would be preferable to this.

 

“Look, what it boils down to is this. I have you to come back to, and I plan on surviving this war. I believe we can win it without sacrificing ourselves. But it seems you actively desire to sacrifice yourself sometimes. Which is stupid, by the way, but it’s outright callous when you have me here waiting for you. 

 

“John, I know you love me. But why are  _ you _ in this relationship? Because I really need to know the answer to that before we can move forward.”

 

Shepard _ still _ can’t say anything. Does he want to sacrifice himself? He’s tired, that’s for sure. Bone tired. And a little resentful that Kaidan had taken the biggest victory he’d had in this war and hosed it down the drain. Days like today should be celebrated, not fought over.

 

And of course, if Kaidan doesn’t survive this it’ll all be for nought, as far as he’s concerned. As selfish as that is, it’s also the truth. Kaidan would get over him if he died. But Shepard? No. Kaidan’s the one for him; he knows that like he knows he needs to breathe.

 

It’s more complicated, of course, but some of what he’s thinking must show on his face because Kaidan makes a disgusted sound and moves toward the door.

 

“Kaidan, wait-”

 

“No, Shepard. You need to think some things over. Come talk to me when you’ve figured it out. Until then, I need to be alone.”

 

With that, he walks out, steps brisk and with head held high. Shepard watches him go, conflicted and shaking and utterly spent.

 

***

  
  


_ “Not me. I know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance man through and through.” _

 

_ “Kaidan-” _

 

_ “Goodbye, Shepard. And good luck.” _

 

_ “Kaidan!” _

 

_ Then Kaidan’s walking away, gorgeous Kaidan, and it feels final, feels like it’s too late to do anything; his chances are gone for good, even though the man of his dreams is standing right there and obviously hurting just as much. It’s not like he’d had a choice in the matter, Cerberus woke him up and used him and he’d had no say in any of it whatsoever - what the hell was he supposed to do? Goddammit Kaidan.  _

 

_ But even that doesn’t answer the question. Why does it feel so final? Why is his gut churning like this? It’s more than just Kaidan walking away like a petulant child; Shepard knows when to trust his instincts, and they’re telling him to _

 

_ (Go go go get out of here Shepard, run!) _

 

_ No. No, Kaidan’s not gone; he’s staring at the sky in horror, and that’s worse. Shepard’s skin crawls, knowing exactly what’s coming. Sure enough, the Collector ship sets up shop in the clear blue sky. They’re back. _

 

_ And Kaidan has no protection from the bugs. None whatsoever. _

 

_ Shit. _

 

_ “Kaidan!” Shepard screams, but he might as well be trapped in amber for all the good his efforts are doing him. He runs through the molasses, giving all he’s got because it’s Kaidan, but of course it’s not enough, will never be enough. He shoots at the collector carrying his love away but maybe he’s lost it because he comes to staring into the empty space where he saw Kaidan last. The bugs got him, or time skipped, or - no matter. He’s alone now, a single inhabitant on a colony bereft of its very soul. _

 

_ Time jumps again, or he’s lost it (again), because next thing he knows, he’s losing oxygen, breathing vacuum, hearing Kaidan cry for help over the comm in a sick parody of the first Normandy. Shepard’s dying but Kaidan’s fate will be far worse. In the back of his mind, all he can hear is traitor traitor traitor, at least until his eardrums and his eyeballs rupture and everything fades to black. _

 

_ *** _

  
  


Shepard jerks awake the next morning at 0130, knowing he won’t sleep again without Kaidan present. He’d expected dreams of Mindoir, honestly, of a home he’ll never be able to take back, not like the quarians, and it aches inside him that Horizon and the Collectors and Kaidan’s death were the subjects of tonight’s hell-circus. And that’s a shitty thing to think, isn’t it?  _ Better that it’s my sister than my partner? _ Fuck, that’s messed up.

 

But Maya is long gone, and it’s his partner that keeps him going these days, makes him able to handle the rising demands of his place at the helm… at least, he hopes they’ll still be together after this. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. No way out, no way to break free. 

 

The shower calls, begging him to wash off the stench of sweat and fear. Before he does, though, he has a question to ask.

 

“EDI?”

 

“Yes, Shepard?”

 

“Can you tell me where Major Alenko is right now?”

 

“Major Alenko is in the Starboard Observation Lounge. He does not wish to be disturbed.”

 

“Well, can you at least tell me if he’s asleep, or what he’s doing?”

 

“He is currently pacing in front of the window.”

 

“Has he gotten any sleep tonight?”

 

“No.”

 

Shepard sighs. Here they are, on a tiny ship, obviously missing each other and worried about their future together, so close and yet so far apart. Kaidan’s right; he does have some thinking to do. 

 

But by the time 0800 arrives, there are still more questions than answers.

 

***

  
  


It takes two days of careful avoidance before John has had enough. He needs to talk this out soon. Before he goes insane. 

 

After focusing on reports for two hours - or rather,  _ attempting _ to focus on them - he figures 2100 is late enough to call it a night and get the man back here into his bed.

 

“EDI, can you tell me where Major Alenko is?”

 

“He is in Starboard Observation, Shepard.” EDI is definitely learning the intricacies of human communication. She sounds amused, as though the answer should be obvious.

 

“Can you request his presence in my cabin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

A few seconds… several… half a minute… Shepard grits his teeth. Fucking stubborn bastard. Of course that’s hypocritical, but still. The pot could call the kettle black, but that wouldn’t change the fact that the damn kettle was still black.

 

Finally, EDI speaks up. “Major Alenko is requesting to know the purpose of the conversation.”

 

How to even answer that? Shouldn’t it be obvious? 

 

“Just… I don’t know, EDI! Just tell him I need him.”

 

“Very well, Shepard.”

 

Another handful of seconds, and Shepard starts pacing the cabin. He finds himself staring at the fish. His favorite seems to be ready to pass judgment on him. Blue and yellow flash by, an angry tail propelling it through the water, faster and more agitated than normal. Catching the mood in the room. Stupidly, he feels guilty for upsetting the little guy. 

 

Well, if he’s being judged, the verdict won’t be great. Not like he can blame the damn fish.

 

He still flips it off for good measure.

 

“Commander? Major Alenko says he will be up in ten minutes.”

 

He sighs in relief. “Thanks, EDI.”

 

Now it’s time to wait. And fidget some more. He still has no idea what to say, just that it has to be  _ something _ .

 

_ Let’s hope I don’t bullrush this to pieces. Not this. Anything but this. _

 

“Hey.” Such a soft voice in the low light. His heart flutters every single time, despite himself. 

 

“Hey, Kaidan.”

 

“Guess we have a lot to talk about.” 

 

“Yeah. I guess we do.”

 

Kaidan walks into the main living area, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and setting it on the coffee table. Shepard brings glasses and sits next to him, allowing his partner to fill the glass to the brim. 

 

He moves to put his hand on Kaidan’s arm, but stops short when Kaidan flinches. The pain of that rejection, clear on his stark features, hurts Shepard deep in his chest, causing an ache that feels worse than a bullet wound. He closes his eyes and wills himself to lean back, hoping that Kaidan will come to him in his own time. 

 

“Let’s talk.”

 

“Yeah,” Shepard whispers, feeling despair and panic rise up inside him.

 

He waits. It’s up to Kaidan to take the lead on this one; he’d been the one to walk out. Though Shepard figures Kaidan could throw that back in his face, considering he’s the one who called him up here. 

 

Kaidan looks like hell. He gets the feeling that the man hasn’t slept more than a few hours in the last two days, likely dealing with nightmares of his own, and feels a pang of guilt at the thought. There are perfectly valid reasons for his absence, and they land mostly on Shepard’s shoulders. He can admit to that much.

 

They stare at each other for a moment. Finally, Shepard decides to speak.

 

“I can’t lose you, Kaidan.”

 

_ Okay, that wasn’t how I expected this conversation to start. _

 

“I don’t think it’ll come to that, John. But you have to understand I can’t lose you, either. And I’m not sure you do.”

 

“Well, explain it to me.”

 

“I did that already.”

 

“Explain it again.”

 

Kaidan eyes him and sighs. “I’ve been thinking about it, John, and what it boils down to is pretty simple. I just don’t understand how you can… know me as well as you do and yet still think that I would be okay with what you did.”

 

“I told you already. I had to do it.”

 

“John, we’ve been around this track already. No, you didn’t have to do it. Not like that.”

 

“Stop talking to me like I’m a little kid, Kaidan.”

 

“Then stop acting like one.”

 

Shepard’s nostrils flare, his patience already running thin. It’s pretty clear that this will be fixed tonight, one way or another. Shepard will either welcome Kaidan back to his room, his life, his home, with open arms… or Kaidan will be catching the next ride off of the  _ Normandy _ .

 

He breathes in deep. Time to find another approach.

 

“Okay. You explain it to me, then. Why. Why did you have to do it?” Kaidan asks him.

 

“Because.” John sits there, staring sullenly at nothing, as if that’s an actual answer. Kaidan waits patiently. He’s always been more patient than Shepard. Damn good thing, that. At least one of them is sane.

 

“I guess, I just… it had to be me. It  _ had _ to.”

 

“Yeah, no, I’m still not understanding. Gonna have to be a little less vague, John.”

 

Shepard huffs in frustration. “Have I ever told you about Mindoir?”

 

“Uh… no, no you haven’t.” 

 

“I gave it some thought. Why I’m like this. I’m not sure it’ll make sense to you, but no use spinning our wheels otherwise, is there?”

 

This acknowledgement of self-reflection was a fragile thing, to be handled carefully. Otherwise it might fly away or, more likely, disintegrate in the air between them.

 

“Okay, John. I’m listening.” 

 

John tells him the story of his sister. How Maya had only been eight when the batarians arrived, how he’d loved her so much it hurt him, physically, just to look at her. They killed his parents, killed many of the adults in the colony, and took most of his friends and peers. Unlike Akuze, he wasn’t the only survivor, but it was still a near thing. 

  
  


The beating he’d received, the death of his parents and loss of the rest of the colony weren’t what hit him hardest. It was Maya. 

 

“She’s the only person, other than you, I’ve loved like that. God, she was beautiful. So happy and full of life, not like me, brooding and serious all the time.

 

“You know, I tried to be a happier person after that. Tried to move on by telling myself I could channel her energy. Guess it’s been hit and miss. Got the weirdest luck, don’t I? Surviving the impossible, but losing my friends and loved ones over and over again. Mindoir, Akuze… you. I’m so afraid to lose you, Kaidan. After Mars, when I realized… I can’t, not again.”

 

“Then why do you do that to me, John? Why do you leave me behind? We’re partners, aren’t we?”

 

John looks at him, naked honesty and longing in his gaze. “Kaidan, I’m an idiot. That’s why.”

 

That surprises both of them, and they laugh. 

 

“Yeah, well. I’m not arguing that,” Kaidan says.

 

“Y’know, it’s not that I want to be some kind of hero. I didn’t back then, either. I just wanted to save them. At least the people I loved. And then when I realized I couldn’t. Well. I realized I wanted to save as many people as possible. 

 

“But… you? If I don’t save you, Kaidan, it’ll kill me. You’re what I’m really fighting for. The rest of the galaxy doesn’t exist without you. I know that’s damn selfish. But it’s true.”

 

“John,” he sighed. “You can’t save me. I’m not someone who is unable to protect myself. And this is war. You need to be at the front lines, I know. But I do, too. The galaxy needs us both. And if we’re together we can watch each other’s backs. But you have to give up control sometimes, Shepard. Let other people share the decision making with you.”

 

“Kaidan… At Akuze? Home, Alchera, when I woke up at Cerberus HQ? I had no control over those things. They tore me to pieces, all of them. Do you know I heard you before I died? You were grieving even then. That sob would’ve killed me if explosive decompression hadn’t. I had no  _ control _ , dammit. There was nothing I could do. I felt so damn… helpless.” Shepard’s voice is pitched low, but he throws the lamp across the room in a sudden biotic burst of frustration, startling Kaidan. “I don’t know how to do it, K. Not on purpose. It feels so, I don’t know. Terrifying, I suppose. What if it happens again?”

  
  


“I get it. This, with you, is the first time since Vyrnnus I’ve given up any vestige of control, myself. But John, you make it so easy for me. We’re so good together. So why can’t you let me be that for you too? Your sanity check, remember? We both need each other.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry, Kaidan. I… can try. But I’m a horrible partner, and I don’t know why you put up with me. The way out’s there. I’d understand if you took it.”

 

Shepard can’t meet his eyes, looking down at his knobby knees next to Kaidan. But Kaidan, ever soft, ever sweet, takes his chin in his hand and forces him to. 

 

“I want you to listen to me, John. I don’t want a way out.”

 

Shepard stares, and Kaidan stares back, unblinking. Shepard’s eyes roam his face, taking in his expression, and he sees all the love and hope and fear that reside in his own heart reflected back at him.

 

His partner - for that’s what Kaidan is, and he can’t believe that there was ever a question about it - moves closer, face serious and eyes hopeful. 

 

John swallows, loud in the silence of the cabin, and closes his eyes. “Say it again, Kaidan.”

 

Kaidan leans in; Shepard feels his breath on his face, against his lips. “I don’t want a way out. I’m giving you control of my heart, John, right here and right now.”

 

A sound suspiciously like a sob comes from Shepard’s throat then. “God, Kaidan. What do I do with that kind of trust?”

 

“Share it with me,” Kaidan replies against his lips, and shows Shepard how to surrender.


	4. Mindoir/ Aratoht

_There are screams coming from his home. Well, they’re all around him, but those aren’t his concern, not really, not when his family’s in trouble. So he runs in from the field, to the beautiful beige two-story that grandpa had built with his own hands, comes in through the back door and sneaks his way up the hall._

_He has to jump back very quickly. His heartbeat is rapid in his chest, too fast, so fast and loud there’s no way they can’t hear it. Focusing on his breathing, centering himself just like grandma had taught him years ago, he looks around the corner and his stomach just falls through him and into the floorboards._

_James and Alex Shepard are cowering in the corner, hands above their heads, kneeling and crying. His sister has stopped screaming and for a moment John thinks maybe she’s dead, she’s laying on the floor face down and there’s a flame rising within him that he doesn’t recognize. It tastes bad, leaves his mouth feeling dry and grimy. Then he notices her back move up and down with her breath, so that means she’s still alive and he still has hope._

_Two batarians are yelling at his parents, but of course he’d forgotten his translator, having no need for it most of the time, and he has no clue what the ugly creatures are spitting into the air, not sure he wants to know._

_Batarians aren’t known for their kindness, after all. And this little visit is a slave-collecting trip, of that there’s no doubt._

_Suddenly it’s important to him that his family dies here. Much better that way than being used up through labor or worse, as batarian whores. Because another thing batarians aren’t known for is leaving survivors. Their victims either die or become slaves, end of discussion._

_He’s been training with his dad’s old assault rifle but it’s not enough to do anything here and besides, how many batarians are in the colony right now? A whole platoon, probably, enough to take or kill every single person on Mindoir for their sick purposes._

_He’s torn. It feels selfish to run like hell, out into the forest, their house is at the back of the colony after all and they don’t know he’s there yet. It would save his life, maybe his sanity, too. From a biological standpoint, fighting for his own survival made more sense than dying for his family, for a slim, make that nearly nonexistent, chance that his family could make it out of this if only he’d do something._

_But did he want to be a coward?_

_Shaking, he creeps to his parents’ room and grabs the rifle, assembling a plan that is a huge long shot, but what else could he do? Die, or run. Neither are options for John Shepard._

_Settling down by the bush outside the back room window, he has a clear shot for anyone that runs out of the house, and maybe- just maybe- if he’s right and they are among the last to leave, he’ll have a chance. There’s only two, and he’s a good enough shot at this distance to try. If he can get the jump on them._

_He tries to ignore the screams of the other colonists, knowing that his friends are being killed or taken from their homes and families. He tries to ignore the gunshots, saddened beyond hope but knowing at least that those people would never be sold to the highest bidder and tormented in some horrific fashion._

_The gunshots that ring out in his own home, one-two in rapid succession, cause his eyes to water and his breath to catch, but he can’t think of that now, it’s all about Maya now, little Maya who would run through the grass in the hills all around them and then through the forest, laughing and holding purple flowers that waved in the gentle breeze as she ran. The part of his heart where she lived was falling to pieces, he knew he couldn’t save her but was determined to try nonetheless._

_Breathe, in and out, here they come._

_Like a dream come true, the two batarians were the last to walk back to the landing zone, and fires were starting to spread from house to house, leaving the air coated in a fine layer of smoke. None of the other slavers could see him if they glanced back, but he could see his targets._

_They were dragging her. She was unconscious, just a little girl, barely able to sleep without a teddy bear, so precious it hurt him. He had to save her, nothing else mattered._

_Before he could second guess himself, he aimed the rifle and shot. He’d managed to kill one of them. If he was not in the midst of watching his world torn apart, he would recognize that killing one batarian as a barely trained kid with just an assault rifle was impressive and nigh impossible._

_But this is one of those moments in life where you have to be better than impossible, you have to be absolutely perfect, and he had fallen short. Just one wasn’t enough, and he wasn’t fast enough, or good enough, or brave enough for the second one, who merely laughed. The batarian set down John’s sister like a sack of potatoes and turned towards him, and oh shit this was it, you’ve really done it now Shep, you’re fucked, but all he gets is beaten half to death._

_And it was a sad world in which that is the best he could’ve hoped for._

_“Well looky here. Some kid needs to be taught a lesson, tryin’ to be a hero. You’ve got a quad, kid, I’ll give ya that. This your sister here?” John glared daggers at him, but he just laughed. “Damn krogans’ll be scared of you someday with that face. Coulda run off to the forest and got away, but you decided to give it a shot.” He brought his boot back to kick Shepard in the face, and Shepard welcomed it, drank it in, hoping he’d have the presence of mind to avoid begging for death. If they took him, so be it. Maybe he’d be able to save his sister, then._

_The batarian was right on top of him. “Damn good shot, too. Always did hate that fuck. Thanks for killin’ him off for me, kid. For that you get to live.”_

_Now it’s time for the beating. His mind wants him to be silent, to take it like a man, but his body, his throat has other plans. The batarian kicks him in the face once, twice, three times and his nose is bloody and broken, his jaw too, he can taste the coppery tang and feels like his face has to be a busted mess. He thinks he might be disfigured from the beating if it continues, but the evil creature lands one last blow at the hairline before he moves on to abuse the rest of him._

_He has no idea how long it lasts, but by the end of it he has a broken nose, jaw, arm in at least two places, ribs in at least three, and bruises everywhere. He doesn’t feel injured on the inside, thank goodness, but that doesn’t mean anything. Injuries can sneak up on a person, he knows this. As an added insult to his injuries, the batarian decides to kick him in the balls, hard, and that is the worst slight of all, really, because it’s a metaphor for his manhood, being broken down in such a fashion in front of such a heartless creature. He was supposed to be one of the good guys, but the bad guys won this round. He’s so ashamed. That’s when he starts crying, not from the pain but from the wretched reality of laying on the ground like this, cupping his aching balls as he watches the batarian drag off his eight-year old sister to who knows what hell._

***

Shepard jerks awake, eyes wide and terrified, desperately gasping for air. Kaidan sits up next to him and puts a hand on his bicep, but he shakes it off and climbs shakily to his feet. He runs into the head as quickly as he can in his post-dream daze and throws up. Kaidan’s soft footsteps follow a few moments later, after giving Shepard the privacy he needs to get it out of his system.

“Hey,” he soothes, rubbing Shepard’s naked back. “You doing alright?”

“Yeah,” Shepard sighs, forehead resting against the toilet seat. “I’m fine. Just need a moment.”

“It’s been awhile since you’ve had one that bad.”

You haven’t seen me the last few nights, Shepard thinks, but wisely doesn’t say. “I need you next to me, what can I say?”

“But I was here tonight,” Kaidan murmurs into the skin of his shoulder, planting a little kiss.

“Yeah, but it’s still a shock to my system. Gonna take a few days to get back to normal. And I’d been talking about Mindoir…”

Kaidan starts guiltily. “That’s my fault.”

Shepard shakes his head but doesn’t have it in him to argue the point further. “None of this is your fault, Kaidan. It’s not mine, either.”

There’s a moment of skeptical silence before Kaidan sighs behind him and stands up. “I’m gonna run a shower. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Shepard allows Kaidan to lead him into the warm spray. Between that and Kaidan’s knowledgeable hands, hands that knead and massage and stroke him so deftly, he’s loose and boneless by the time the shower runs cold. Kaidan picks him up in strong arms and carries him back to bed. He snuggles in closely; it doesn’t take him long to get back to sleep. At least there’s that.

But tomorrow he’ll have to go down to the docks. And there’s a shit ton of batarians down there.

And Balak.

***

They eat lunch at Apollo’s the next day. Shepard is exhausted, but Kaidan seems in high spirits. He tries to keep up, to be a good conversational partner, but Kaidan can tell he’s all out of sorts.

After a long bout of silence, Shepard sighs and stands up to stretch, trying to cover his yawn and failing miserably. Kaidan just looks up at him, expression uncomfortably close to pity.

“That bad, huh? Haven’t seen you like this since I started sleeping in your cabin.”

“Mindoir,” he says, and that’s all that needs to be said. Kaidan knows the story, and knows what John’s got on the agenda for the day.

“Anything I can do?”

“Nah. Just be there when I get back to the ship. Got a little runnin’ around to do.”

Understanding dawns in Kaidan’s eyes - it’s not just the refugees, the preacher, the prisoner, the dying batarian. “Balak.”

Shepard winces and nods, not meeting his eyes.

“You call me if that sonofabitch gets hairy.”

Shepard does meet his eyes then, a hint of amusement buried in his own baby blues. “... Hairy?”

Kaidan growls. ‘S what I said.”

“Alright, K. But you don’t need to worry about me, okay? I’m never off guard when it comes to those assholes. They’d sooner stab you in the back than look at you, and I know that better than most.”

“I know, John. I just-”

“- worry,” Shepard finishes for him. He smiles, wanting so very badly to pull Kaidan in and kiss the daylights out of him. They’ve got to tell the crew soon - and maybe the galaxy itself.

“Heh, yeah.”

“Gonna stay here and finish your lunch?”

“And yours, apparently. I’m shoving protein bars down your throat later, just FYI.”

“Hope that’s not all you’re shoving down my throat, Major.” Shepard winks, but Kaidan just rolls his eyes.

“Go! I’ll see you soon.”

“Aye, Major.”

Shepard walks off feeling a tiny bit better. Of course, Kaidan has that effect on him. But pretty soon, the nerves are back. As he makes his way down to the docks, a sense of foreboding hangs over him. He hopes it’s just paranoia.

***

Kaidan is waiting for him when he gets back to the ship a few hours later. He’s exhausted in a bone-deep way, done with life, the universe, and everything. It’s almost like he can feel his body breaking down, even with the amount of sleep he’s been getting since they started dating. Just the last few days without Kaidan have been enough for him to hit that point. Maybe it just goes to show how little John’s been functioning all these years. That’s a horrible thought.

His partner shares a look with him and gestures, wanting John to come to bed. Shepard decides to push his luck by sitting down at the computer terminal and reading a few messages. Aria, Hackett… huh, interesting. Sidonis. Seems like he’ll be joining the war effort, too -

Kaidan grabs him by the arm and forces him across the room, not bothering to be gentle. Shepard turns around to glare at the man but goes, not having the fight in him today. If the Reapers attacked the Citadel right now, they might not be able to count on Commander Shepard to help.

Who is he kidding? He has a martyr complex the size of the San Andreas fault back home. He wouldn’t be able to help himself. That’s part of the damn problem.

“I’m giving you a sleeping pill,” Kaidan tells him firmly. “And a couple of protein bars. I don’t want to hear any arguments.”

“Jesus, Major. Since when are you in charge?”

“Since you keep running yourself ragged. Someone’s gotta step up. Eight hours. I’m in charge in the meantime.”

“And if I end up in a nightmare and can’t wake up because of the pills?”

Kaidan’s face softens. “I’ll be here the entire time, unless I’m called elsewhere for an emergency. I’ll wake you up, John, just like always.”

Shepard blows out a long breath. He doesn’t want to sleep - can’t really afford to sleep right now; he’s got more people to see on the Citadel and they leave dock tomorrow - but he knows Kaidan is right.

“Fine,” he says petulantly. “But I want a massage first.”

Kaidan chuckles, a little huff of a thing. “That I can do. Lay down on your stomach.”

“Yes, Major Alenko, Sir,” Shepard says into the pillow, and Kaidan smacks him lightly on the back of the head.

The massage is so damn good, he’s out like a light in ten minutes.

***

_The boy is the first thing he becomes aware of, and the forest quickly follows. Shepard sighs and follows the path, resigned to his fate, knowing the he’ll never catch the boy, never hold him close until it’s too late. At least he knows this dream, recognizes that he is dreaming. But soon, the path diverges; he tries to keep after the boy but the dream won’t let him, forces him down a different, darker path. The forest soon fades, fades, fades…_

_He awakens in a ditch, surrounded on all sides by craggy rocks and sharp pebbles digging into his back, painful. In fact, his whole body is one giant mess of pain, like a walking bruise. He reaches down for medi-gel, but there’s none in his suit - why’d he come here without medi-gel?_

_Wind whips through the crags and Shepard doesn’t know why or how but he knows he has to_

_(Go go go get out of here, run Shepard!)_

_He stands up, taking stock. Full weapons and armor, minus the medi-gel. The place is grey and barren all around; hell, it barely has atmosphere - an asteroid, then. On his periphery is a mass relay, startlingly close, and oh boy does he have a bad feeling about this - this place looks familiar. All relays and asteroids look the same but this one’s different, this one’s impossible, this one’s gone -_

_The relay comes closer at a terrifying, relentless pace. Shepard’s out of time, it’s the Reapers or this, or him, or thousands upon thousands of batarian lives and that’s it - it’s simple math. Worth it, really, except for one particular missed opportunity. Oh well, too late for regrets._

_He braces for impact, says a quick goodbye to the Normandy -_

_\- And wakes up in a batarian slave camp._

_No, not a work camp or auction block - it’s a prison. He’s under close guard and he senses the heaviness in the air, the thickness of anticipation all around him. Eventually, the leader comes to the cell - if he can call it that, this muddy patch of pen where he’d only allow a lamb to live a day before slaughter. They grab him by the solid metal chains and lead him to a large rock standing in the middle of the prison camp, past the cells of other unfortunate souls. He wonders who they are - political prisoners, maybe? Some are batarians as well, and he knows they are in for a world of hurt. Batarians are crueler to each other than they are to anyone else and that’s saying something._

_Rain starts to fall and a sense of peace crawls over the camp, covering it like a blanket. He’s not fooled, not lulled into a false sense of security, of anything, because he’s seen this before, knows it intimately._

_The leader raises his hands and suddenly the camp is quiet, still; he hadn’t realized how much noise there was until it’s gone. He glances behind himself in the rain; the bastards are everywhere, all their beady eyes staring at him. He gets a chill - shit, this isn’t how it’s supposed to end - it can’t! This isn’t the noble sacrifice it should’ve been. It’s a slaughter._

_The fear of death beats true in his chest - even the great Commander Shepard is just a mortal. He’ll die in blood and agony like any other._

_Their leader - Quag, Shepard knows somehow, though he’s heard nothing and knows nothing - details the crimes he’s guilty of - like saving the galaxy three times over, he thinks with despairing humor. This is it, his real punishment for Aratoht, the Alliance had abandoned him and this is how it ends, in the mud on a nowhere planet, a colony, by a no one - who slips the knife into his gut like it’s butter, making a curious squelching sound. Shepard has time to be surprised at the sharpness of the blade before he loses consciousness, feeling his guts slide out of him in a puddle of reds, purples, and browns…_

***

Shepard jerks in the middle of the night for the second night in a row, shaken awake by Kaidan this time. He nearly knocks their heads together as he sits up, in a hurry to run, to leave, to do anything and everything that he can to escape the batarians, at first not realizing that he is not back there in that camp, not alone. Not bleeding out on the cold, rainy ground, guts steaming in the night air.

“Shepard. Shepard,” Kaidan is repeating, trying to bring him back to the present. “You’re on the Normandy. It’s 2186, and we’re docked at the Citadel. You’re okay, I promise. I’ve got you, okay?”

Shepard allows Kaidan’s silky smooth voice to soothe him, to bring him back from the brink. He remembers now - the Reapers, Balak, Kaidan. Despite this, his racing heart refuses to quiet, pounding inside him like a bell - he feels like he’s gonna have a heart attack.

“Kaidan, Kaidan.” He paws at his partner, desperate to feel him against him, holding him. Kaidan goes willingly, allowing Shepard to first touch him for reassurance and then for… other purposes.

“I’m here, John,” he says as Shepard pulls him down so that they’re face to face on the bed, heart to heart. Shepard kisses him like it’s his last kiss, like he’s saying goodbye on Death Row, and something occurs to him then, something that’s been growing for a good long while now.

“Fuck,” he hisses against Kaidan’s lips, feeling himself get hard. Kaidan feels it, too, if his raised eyebrow is anything to go by.

“Really, John?”

“I need you,” Shepard whimpers.

“Okay, okay,” Kaidan soothes, murmuring and stroking Shepard’s back. “Just relax, okay? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“K… you don’t understand. You’re it for me. My love, my… my everything. You always have been.” A solitary tear makes its way down his face. “I can’t lose you.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I will,” Shepard says, calmer now. “Just… just let me, okay?” He fingers Kaidan’s collar, feeling a little better but also needy for his submissive. “I need to… I need…”

“To make sure,” Kaidan says gently against his lips, and kisses him again.

“Yes,” Shepard whispers.

“How do you want me, John?”

“I wanna see you. I need to see you.”

They make love, Shepard being as gentle as he knows how to be, in desperate need to see Kaidan’s face. This is the only thing right now that can make him feel alive, and Kaidan seems to understand that. He’s responsive in a way he usually isn’t, making an effort to stay here and not get lost in the haze of subspace, of pleasure, instead getting lost in the depths of Shepard’s blue eyes. They stare into each other’s eyes as they come together, riding the high and then lying back in a tangle of limbs, exhausted.

“You okay?” Kaidan asks him, and yeah - he’s okay. Everything’s okay. Mostly, anyway.

“Yeah,” Shepard says, voice still a little subdued.

“Anything I can do to help?”

Shepard turns so that they’re facing each other, once more heart to heart, so close he can feel Kaidan’s breath against his cheek. “Yeah. Just be here.”

“I wish I could do more.”

“That’s plenty. Trust me.”

“I do, John, it’s just… hard to see you this way.”

“I know,” Shepard says in a small voice. “I’m sorry.”

The tears start to slip down his cheeks, silent and ugly. Kaidan kisses them away.

“It’s okay. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“If only that were true,” Shepard whispers.

“You’re saving the galaxy. You’ve done it twice over already. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“I mean it, you know.”

“Meant what?”

“When I said you were it for me. I want to be with you forever, Kaidan. After this war, after the Reapers are defeated… I want to move to Vancouver, be with your family. Maybe retire.”

Kaidan chuckles lightly. “You really think you could retire? You?”

“Hey, why not?”

“Because you’d go crazy in a week.”

“I’m not…” Mordin. “No, K, that wouldn’t happen. I’d be happy to live a nice little domestic life by your side.”

“If you say so,” Kaidan says, kissing him on the nose. “I’d be happy to live any life with you.”

“I know,” Shepard says softly.

“Let’s get to sleep. Long day tomorrow, right?”

“Right. Love you, baby.”

“Love you too, Shepard.”


	5. Palaven

  
  


_ What in the fresh hell is this shit?  _ Shepard thinks as the screams echo along the stone walls and grate up and down his spine. It’s a Reaper of some sort, that much is obvious, but he has a feeling it’s above and beyond anything that they’ve yet encountered. From the sounds of it, it’s well beyond.

 

He, Garrus, and Kaidan finish searching the hall - there’s nowhere to go but out into the courtyard where he last heard that horrifying scream. He looks to his team - they’re staring right back at him, ready and willing as always to follow him to the death if need be. 

 

With a gesture from Shepard, Garrus takes point. He motions Kaidan through next, and slips through behind, taking a last, long look at the hall behind him. Fingers of fear, of anticipation, run up and down his spine. Something ugly is going to happen here. His gut is screaming it at him, and his gut is never wrong.

 

She hits Garrus like a freight car, charging in on devil’s biotics, riding that howl, making John’s skin crawl. There’s no time to waste - he motions to Kaidan, who pulls Garrus’ limp form behind cover, then charges into the fray. The beast hits at least as hard as Shepard does, but he quickly discovers that if he times it right, he can meet her on equal ground mid-charge. It’s a long, grueling battle, and he’s damn thankful that Kaidan is able to stabilize Garrus and fight off the other Reaper troops. It’s still far too close for comfort.

 

As soon as the last Marauder is down, Shepard rushes back to cover in time to see Garrus start to lose consciousness.

 

“Shit! Any more medi-gel?”

 

“That was the last of it.”

 

He yells out in frustration, wanting nothing more in that moment than to charge another one of those sons-a-bitches and tear them to shreds. 

 

Kaidan reaches out a hand to still him. “He’s stable. We’ve got time to get him to Chakwas.”

 

“Great. Cortez, evac on the double!”

 

“No problem, Commander. Do you need another crewmember?”

 

“Negative. Just get your ass down here!”

 

Once Garrus is back on the Normandy and in Chakwas’ capable hands, the fighting continues. There’s a desperate edge to it now, this energy, making him a bit sloppy, a bit careless. When Kaidan has to embrace Shepard within his barrier to save him from enemy fire, he makes it clear that he’s had enough.

 

“Get your head in the game, Commander, or I’ll call Cortez to pick you up myself.”

 

“Right, and fight them on your own?”

 

“Might be better than having to babysit you.”

 

His jaw sharpens, but he doesn’t yell at Kaidan. He’s not exactly wrong.

 

Kaidan’s face softens. “I know you’re worried about him, but we’ve got to get to that bomb. Chakwas will be doing everything she can. You know that. Just focus on the fight, John. I know you know how to do that.”

 

“... Yeah. Alright. Let’s go.”

 

Kaidan lets out a sigh of relief. 

 

It’s not easy, though, worrying about Garrus like this. It reminds him uncomfortably of Mars. As soon as he’s back on the Normandy, he forgoes the usual decontamination and report to Hackett in favor of a trip to med bay. Kaidan grabs his arm and their eyes meet. He seems content with whatever he sees there.

 

“I’ll meet you in the cabin. Call if there’s any change with Garrus, okay?”

 

“Yeah. I will,” he tells him, and kisses him before the elevator doors open.

 

It feels just like Mars now, standing in the med bay and rocking back and forth, staring at Garrus and feeling the panic rise. Shit, this shouldn’t have happened. He should’ve taken point, taken the hit - as tough as Garrus is, a charge at the last second could’ve saved him. There’s no use beating himself up over it now, though. Kaidan will undoubtedly repeat that like a broken record later tonight. 

 

“How is he doing, Doctor?”

 

“Stable for now, but I’ll be able to tell more if you keep out of the way, Commander.”

 

Well, that’s definitely different than last time.

 

“Sorry. Force of habit.”

 

“I know,” she says softly. “I heard about how things were with Kaidan after Mars. They couldn’t get you to come out of med bay.”

 

That was a little different, of course - there was no doctor on the  _ Normandy _ at the time. And it was Kaidan. Hell, if it’d happened to Kaidan today like it had to Garrus, they’d have to break his arm to get him to stop holding onto him. As it is, he can barely pull himself away to make room for the doctor.

 

“Garrus is going to be okay, Commander. Why don’t you go make your report to Hackett and the Council. I promise I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

 

Shepard looks at her for a moment, then reluctantly nods and leaves the med bay, back straight and proud. Trying not to blame himself.

 

And just like he’d thought, Kaidan does everything he can to reassure Shepard that it wasn’t his fault. But he falls asleep ill at ease, knowing the nightmare’s coming, just not knowing which one. 

 

Turns out, this one’s new. 

 

***

 

_ Palaven is burning, already burning. They can see it from every side of the Normandy - fire in rivers through the countryside like blood. He can almost smell the burnt flesh, the death and pain and destruction of an entire people. Shepard has friends down there, probably burning, too, and he feels so impotent and useless because he’s two for two now, can’t seem to save anyone at all… _

 

_ Menae is shot to hell, too, absolutely covered in Reaper troops - turian high command will have to back out soon or risk the Primarch’s life. Shepard stands, weightless, in the midst of a frenzied circus, a parade of panic, while the turians are slaughtered around him. He’s motionless, helpless - fucking useless, is what he is. This is all the great Commander Shepard is good for. It hurts like hell to know how little he’s really capable of. _

 

_ You’re just one man, Kaidan whispers in his mind, but fuck that - Kaidan’s not here, is he. No, he nearly died on John’s watch, too, nearly left him alone in all this. Could still leave him here, bereft of the man he loves, and that’s it - that’s the thought that gets him moving, reckless and impatient and needing more than anything to prove himself, though he fears it’s too late for that. _

 

_ And in throwing away any notion that he is worth more than an aimless death on the battlefield, he forgets that there are others rushing into the fray by his side. _

 

_ He finds Garrus and his father and sister trapped in a cavern by Reaper forces, screaming for Shepard to help them - worse, that it’s his fault they’re in this mess to begin with - why hadn’t he done more to stop it? If only Garrus hadn’t followed him here - had Garrus followed him here? That’s news to him - and fuck, Fuck. He’s responsible - he can’t fail them, too. Not any more than he already has. _

 

_ Shepard rushes into the cave’s entrance and pounds the ground, knocking back a swarm of husks and three - three! - Marauders. More pour in but get bottlenecked. Shepard wonders where the hell his team went, where Garrus went, but there’s no goddamn time to look or even call out - the motherfucking Reapers are everywhere - _

 

_ Suddenly there’s a scream, a wail, a siren’s song if the siren were a she-devil, and he figures he can hang on if it’s one at a time here at the mouth, only it’s coming from behind him, where Garrus and his family are! He turns to face her and those demon eyes glitter in the dim light, shining with an alien intelligence so profound he feels like a bug, and the worst part is, there’s no malevolence there, just a sense of inevitability that weighs heavily upon him. There’s no fighting this, is there? He might as well just lie down right here, let the defeat and the promise of death wash over him.  _

 

_ The screams from the back of the cave grab his attention; without him protecting the mouth of the cave and fighting the banshee, entire battalions of fucking Reaper troops are pouring in. Either he fights her for his own life or Garrus and his entire family dies here. Shepard’s death might give them a chance, but the Reapers may not even take him to his death, no - they may want to liquify him in one of those cages to make sure their human Reaper has his blood, his DNA flowing through it. His inner strength that has somehow captivated them.  _

 

_ There’s no right answer, and Shepard has no time to decide anyway, so he lets his instincts take over and fights, charges the bitch and discharges his shield and shoots her right between the eyes, but of course it’s not enough. He’ll have to evade her and go around and around for the next fifteen minutes, and not even Garrus can hang on that long.  _

 

_ He’s exhausted and covered in blood and guts and there’s no glory in any of it, not in this, only sorrow as he moves to the back of the cave and finds Garrus turned into one of those things, those horrible monsters, blank-eyed and soulless but still undeniably Garrus, and fuck shit fuck- he was too late. Of course he was. Garrus’ family cowers behind him as the husks rush by John and - he can’t watch as they start to eat them, can’t do anything with all the forces between him and them, and not only that, he has to find a way to shoot his once-friend in the face.  _

 

_ All that’s good in any of this is that Garrus will be at peace. At least that’s what he tells himself as he pulls the trigger… _

 

_ *** _

 

Kaidan finds him in med-bay the next morning, staring listlessly at Garrus. Chakwas has about a million wires connected to the turian, ugly, thick things that are pouring fluids into his veins to keep him alive… but he looks good. Shepard thinks he’ll wake up within the next few hours, might even be on his feet by the end of the day. 

 

Samara has come to say hello, too, and gives Kaidan a sympathetic glance, knowing how difficult it must be to watch his Shepard like this, normally so carefree and diplomatic even after a nightmare. Shepard can’t help it, though. He’s so fucking tired.

 

“We need to get some shore leave soon, John,” Kaidan’s soft voice says just behind him. 

 

“Yeah,” is all he can say in return, because yeah, obviously Shepard is more of a liability than anything right now. Those repairs on the  _ Normandy _ and the invitation to Anderson’s apartment seem more inviting by the minute. Maybe they can afford the break. Maybe they _ need  _ the break. 

 

Shepard’s man enough to recognize that he does. Even with Kaidan next to him, the nightmares are dragging him down. This war has been his responsibility since their first time visiting Eden Prime, and it’s not fair, but it is what it is. There’s nothing he can do about it but endure and hope to the spirits that they can make it through. 

 

In case they don’t, though… there are a few things he needs to clear up. And it’s about time he does it. They don’t have any guarantees that they’ll make it through the night, let alone to the end of the war. In fact, it’s likely they  _ won’t _ make it to the end of the war, so he’d better get his shit together. 

 

He sits up on the table in the med-bay. Dr. Chakwas enters just as he’s standing and stretching; she gives him an inscrutable look but doesn’t say anything. What can she say - he used to sit down here when Kaidan had migraines, so it’s not a surprise that he can’t sleep with Garrus down here, either. Shepard’s sure that says something about him - hopefully not that he’s a mother hen. 

 

He looks at the doctor, at Kaidan, at Garrus… he’s got the best damn crew in the galaxy, and it invigorates him to know that they’re all here by his side, ready to fight to the last man. With him and for him. And regardless of his dreams, he’s doing his best by them. That’s all that he can do. 

 

“One more system, then we stop for repairs. Deal?”

 

Kaidan smiles, and it’s radiant. It lights up John’s entire life, that smile. “Deal.”

 

“I think Garrus will be ready to go by then. Shepard, if you wouldn’t mind giving him a little space to breathe? I’ll call you when he’s awake and ready to see you. It shouldn’t be long.” She gives him a sympathetic look as he walks out with his partner by his side. 

 

“You alright if I go do some paperwork in the observation room? I could use a little silence.”

 

Shepard narrows his eyes. “You’re getting a migraine again, aren’t you?”

 

“What? No, of course not.”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Kaidan,” he says in a stern voice.

 

“I’m fine, Shepard. Really.”

 

“Those lines around your eyes are giving you away. If it gets to the point you need to lie down, you come upstairs. Got it?”

 

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan says with a smart salute, then walks around the corner. 

 

Shepard sighs. They still have a day’s worth of work to do before they can hit the Citadel, so he might as well get to it. 

 

***

 

_ And you, Major Alenko. I would’ve saved the other one on Virmire. Ashley something? _

 

That’s what he’d said. That’s what that goddamn motherfucker had said to his sweet Kaidan, who had never deserved to have the results of that decision dumped upon him. And Shepard didn’t deserve it, either. Doesn’t deserve it. He’d done what he had to do and that was that. 

 

Shepard’s so lost in thought, he barely stops himself from reaching out to grab Kaidan’s hand as they walk back to the strip from the  _ Normandy _ . Then he looks over at his partner and all other thoughts go out the window. Kaidan’s face is pale, his eyes bloodshot; lines of pain are written all over his face. Shepard can’t believe he hadn’t noticed it, even during the fighting. How the hell Kaidan had managed to fight like this, he’ll never understand, but he needs medical attention, now. Kaidan senses him looking and pauses, hanging back while the rest of the team ambles onward. Shepard stays back with him. The crew disperses as they go with promises to meet up later. 

 

“Hey. Do we need to go back to the ship?”

 

“No,” Kaidan says tightly. “I need you to take me to your apartment. Get me settled in.”

 

“Just like before?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Shepard resists the urge to pick Kaidan up, instead focusing on offering a shoulder to lean on, but by the time they make it to the apartment, Kaidan can barely even stand. Shepard carries him over the threshold and sets him down gently in the bed, then brings him ice cold water and a cool rag. Kaidan removes his clothing and snuggles into the blankets. When John moves to leave him alone, he reaches out and grabs Shepard by the wrist.

 

“Don’t go,” Kaidan whispers.

 

“I’ve gotta-”

 

“Do nothing. You’ve gotta do nothing. C’mon. Don’t you wanna take care of me?”

 

“Kaidan, of course I want to take care of you. C’mere.” 

 

Shepard carefully gets under the covers, wrapping himself around his partner and holding on for dear life. He breathes deeply, enjoying Kaidan’s scent, the smell of gun oil and earth and the things that make up Kaidan. 

 

He drifts for awhile, thinking about how unlikely it is that they’ll make it through all of this. He hates the thought, hates himself a little bit for it, but there’s no way he’s gonna lie to himself about it. They’re soldiers, and they know the score. Shepard isn’t particularly cynical, but things don’t look good. If the Crucible isn’t finished or doesn’t work as advertised, they’re history - literally. And they’re at the front of all this, two star-crossed lovers who’d finally found each other. Who will most likely lose each other.

 

He takes a deep breath in and holds it, then blows it out as slowly as he can, something his therapists had taught him after Akuze. It seems like such a simple thing, but it works; the negative thoughts drift away as though he were starving them of oxygen. When he breathes in again, he focuses on the good things, namely that he has Kaidan at all, that Kaidan is there and breathing and so very alive. Living in the moment, they’d called it. 

 

He sighs softly, a small smile on his face. Kaidan makes it so easy.

 

“If only you knew the things I’ve been thinking,” he whispers into Kaidan’s hair. “But you’ll find out soon enough. Sleep tight, love.”

 

And with that - despite the clone’s death, despite the things he’d said, despite the war and everything else shitty he can possibly think of - Shepard knows he’ll sleep like the dead tonight.

 

***

 

“Let’s go on a date tonight. I mean eat out, see the sights.”

 

“Eat out, you say?”

 

Shepard shakes his head. “I am such a terrible influence on you.” 

 

Kaidan sidles closer on the couch and grins. “Yeah. You really are. But I love you anyway. I always did.”

 

“I know. I did, too. It was like I was…”

 

“Drawn to me?”

 

Shepard chuckles. “Exactly what I was thinking. I don’t know when I realized you felt the same.”

 

“Mars.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. I saw how hurt you were when I questioned you… and that was understandable, trust me… but when I started going dark, I heard you yell. Scream. And I just… knew.”

 

“I knew on Horizon.”

 

“Oh?” Kaidan laughs. “Was I that obvious?”

 

“God, you should’ve seen yourself. You were so mad I thought you could spit.”

 

“Sure. But how does that translate into loving you?”

 

“Kaidan, it was like a biotic field around you. I could practically see it. You know, I lost it a little bit after that. Beat up a guy in interrogation just because I could. Told some idiot janitor that the ward was gonna blow just to get him off my case. I felt kinda bad after that one.” He stretches his legs out, swings over so that he’s lying back on the couch, and settles Kaidan on his lap. “I may have also set a krogan on fire. After bringing a turian and salarian to Tuchanka.”

 

“I heard about that from Garrus. Smartest thing you’ve ever done,” Kaidan says drily.

 

“You know they never could’ve touched me.” Shepard runs his hands up and down Kaidan’s sides, then grips his hips and starts to grind up against him. 

 

“No one can touch you now.”

 

“Well…” Shepard leers. “You can touch me all you want.”

 

Kaidan sighs. “Of course you would go there.”

 

“What, you can go there and I can’t?”

 

“Maybe I’m makin’ the rules now.”

 

“In your dreams, Alenko.”

 

Kaidan leans down for a quick kiss. “So are we actually going anywhere? Since you apparently don’t like my cooking.”

 

“Hey, I didn’t say that.” Shepard catches Kaidan’s face in his hands and pulls him down for more. “Just wanna see the sights. While we still can,” he adds, and Kaidan’s face falls a bit, but he perks up just as quickly.

 

“I’d like that, John,” he says, soft and shy. “Long as we can come back here and you can finish what you started.” He waves at the front of his BDUs and the tent that has sprung up there.

 

“Oh, we’re gonna finish it…”

 

“No public sex!” Kaidan says sternly, swatting at Shepard. 

 

“Hey, I wasn’t suggesting it. But I promise. No public sex,” Shepard says when Kaidan gives him a look. 

 

“Let’s go then.”

 

***

 

The strip is wild tonight; news from the front is that the Reapers are slowly but steadily being pushed back in some areas of the galaxy. It’s a stalemate, and one they can’t hope to endure, but it’s something. And anything that gives these people hope is a good thing in John’s mind. 

 

He and Kaidan walk the wards, enjoying the sights and sounds of life and appreciating the energy. Shepard wishes they could be arm-in-arm, but the crew doesn’t know about them just yet, and he doesn’t want to spread a bunch of rumors. Soon enough, the crew will know, and he wants them to hear it from his own mouth. He’s been known to take crewmembers out and about, so there’ll be no gossip about tonight. So at least they can go on a pseudo-date. 

 

This isn’t the purpose of the evening, though, and the anticipation has Shepard a little bit jumpy. EDI, sworn to secrecy, will be ready for him in an hour - the entire ship will be empty, and he plans to go for a little joyride, just the three of them. 

 

With fifteen minutes to go, he catches a cab to the docking bay. Kaidan looks at him funny, but doesn’t say anything, just grips his hand tightly and closes his eyes. Shepard thinks he’s never seen such a beautiful sight in his life. 

 

Kaidan’s curiosity catches up to him when they board the ship, however. “Uh, John? What are we doing right now?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

“That’s rather cryptic of you. Seriously, what’s happening?”

 

“I just want to see the stars, that’s all.”

 

Kaidan shakes his head, giving Shepard a fondly exasperated look as they wait through decon. “You know we actually live on board this thing, right?”

 

“Kaidan. You’ll see. Just relax.”

 

Kaidan takes a deep breath. “It’s shore leave, John. I’m more relaxed than I’ve been since… well, since we took down Sovereign, if I’m being completely honest with you.”

 

John nods. “I know. It’s nice. I still can’t believe they’re throwing a party, though.”

 

Kaidan chuckles, not believing that for an instant. “You know full well who your crew is.”

 

“I do. Still. I’d say it’s hardly the time, but now’s no time to be a stick in the mud.”

 

Decontamination finished, Kaidan grabs Shepard’s hand once more and they enter the ship. “You’ve always been pretty upbeat. It’d be weird if you didn’t allow them this.”

 

“Oh, it’s not that I don’t want to have it. It’s that I might want to have it a little too much, you know? Like it’s the last party we’ll ever have. Feels like saying goodbye a little bit.”

 

Kaidan squeezes his hand. “It won’t be, Shepard. We’ll make it through this.”

 

Shepard squeezes back. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”

 

“Me, too. Now where are we going?”

 

“You’ll see,” Shepard says again, cryptically, and yeah - he’s not being very helpful, but Kaidan will see soon enough. “EDI?”

 

“Yes, Shepard?”

 

“Take me to the preset point.”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

The ship starts up, and in just a few minutes, they’re flying high above the Citadel. The spot amongst the stars where Shepard wants to do this is just within sight of the relay and the Citadel both - where they first saw the Citadel that day three years ago, a lifetime ago. 

 

Shepard leads Kaidan down to Starboard Observation, Kaidan’s favorite spot on the ship (other than their cabin). He still stays the night down here from time to time, either out of a need for privacy or to make the crew think that’s where he normally stays. 

 

“EDI? Lights to ten percent, adjust viewport. Perfect. Now cut audio and video access to the deck. If a Reaper’s not attacking, I don’t care about it.”

 

“Understood, Shepard.”

 

“And remember-”

 

“ - no telling the crew. I’m not a ‘blabbermouth,’ Shepard. I know when to keep my hypothetical mouth closed.”

 

“Be sure that you do.”

 

“Logging off.”

 

Now they’re alone, and Kaidan’s watching him quizzically, honestly having no idea why John would want to fly him out to the stars like this. 

 

_ My sweet, innocent Kaidan.  _

 

The nerves are hitting in full force, and John chuckles under his breath. He can stand in front of a Reaper with a targeting laser, lead the galaxy’s largest thresher maw right into the arms of one without blinking an eye, but this makes him sweat. 

 

He shakes his head and then smiles at his partner. “Let’s watch the stars for awhile,” he suggests.

 

“I can put down my blanket if you like.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

 

The two of them sit together and watch the stars drift by, watch the twinkling of lights on the wards from far away. They sit in comfortable silence, Kaidan resting his head on Shepard’s shoulder. It’s a perfect moment, and John breathes it in, hoping like mad that he really does get this for the rest of his life. 

 

After awhile, he takes a deep breath. No use putting this off any longer. It’s now or never.

 

“You know… I’m so lucky to have you.”

 

Kaidan lifts his head from Shepard’s shoulder and watches him carefully. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Shepard looks at his lap, at his calloused hands that have been responsible for so much death and destruction. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. Not just because you’ve saved my life, but… you’ve just been here for me in a way no one else ever has. I’m sorry it took us so long. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you out all those years ago.” He looks at Kaidan to gauge his reaction.

 

Kaidan’s still watching him, trying to figure out where he’s going with this. “I’m still surprised you weren’t the one to do it,” he admits. “The way you are…”

 

“A coward, if I’m being honest with you.”

 

Kaidan scoffs. “You’re ridiculous. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever known, the bravest any of us has ever known. You’re the reason we win this war, John.”

 

“If that’s true… you’re the reason I make it there.”

 

Kaidan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Are you going to... “ He blushes scarlet; it’s John’s favorite color on him. “Is this what I think it is?”

 

Shepard smirks. “Maybe. Maybe it is.” He turns to fully face him so that they’re knee to knee, and pulls the ring from his pocket. “Guess I’m a little predictable, huh?” he asks it in a soft voice.

 

There are tears in Kaidan’s voice when he speaks next. “So are you gonna ask me or what?”

 

Shepard looks back at him. “Are you gonna say yes?”

 

“One way to find out.”

 

He sighs. The nerves are gone now; all that stands between them is John’s inability to communicate the complexity of feelings currently whirling inside him. How does he explain the depth of how he feels to Kaidan? There aren’t really words for that kind of thing, but he’s got to try.

 

“You’re more than just someone to live for, someone to love. You’re my soulmate, Kaidan.” Good start. “I loved you the moment I saw you. I don’t know how; I mean, that sounds so silly when I say it out loud… but it’s true. I held you in my heart when I died, and you were the first thing I thought of when I woke up on that table at Cerberus. I thought about you every single day in lockdown, wondering if you’d…” He shakes his head. Not the road he wants to go down. “I could hardly believe it when you asked me out, you know that? I thought we’d dance around it forever, until we grew old and, well, grey.” He smiles at Kaidan’s salt and pepper temples. “Anyway, I don’t intend to let this go. It took so long, so many hardships, so much pain to get here, and it was worth every single second of it. I don’t intend to let it go, Kaidan. Be my husband… if you’ll have me.”

 

He opens the box. One of Kaidan’s dog tags shines even in the low light. Curled alongside it is Shepard’s. 

 

Kaidan smiles as tears roll down his cheeks. “Of course I’ll have you,” he whispers, and leans forward to kiss Shepard. It’s soft and slow. Arousal floods Shepard’s body like molasses, making the world seem thick and syrupy. Kaidan’s flesh is hot against him. Shepard pulls him closer so that they’re on their knees, chest to chest, as close as they can possibly be without being joined. 

 

They both laugh when they pull back, Shepard feeling unusually shy and relieved. He wipes away Kaidan’s tears and just stares. 

 

“Don’t cry, K,” he murmurs.

 

“Don’t tell me not to cry tears of joy, Shepard. That’s ridiculous,” Kaidan huffs as the tears continue to fall. 

 

“Never really got the tears of joy thing,” Shepard admits. “I’m a little stunted in some ways, I think.”

 

“Don’t say that about yourself. I gotta ask, though - did you actually steal my tag?”

 

“In the middle of the night, yeah. It was my ‘no looking back’ moment. Terrifying.”

 

“You’re sneaky.”

 

“It wasn’t easy, trust me. Will you wear mine?”

 

“Of course I will. We just can’t tell Hackett.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me that.”

 

Kaidan chuckles and leans forward so that Shepard can put the tag around his neck. Shepard does the same for Kaidan, leaning back and exhaling in wonder at the fact that this is happening, that he and Kaidan are really engaged. 

 

“So when do you think we should do it?” Kaidan asks him.

 

He swallows, nervous again. “I was thinking maybe before we leave the Citadel. Morning after the party, maybe.”

 

It’s Kaidan’s turn to exhale. “Not much time left to waste, huh?”

 

“No. We’ve wasted enough of it, don’t you think?”

 

Kaidan looks at him consideringly, then smiles. The darkness of space remains outside the window, but it’s like the sun just came up nonetheless. “Let’s do it, then.”

 

“Aye, Major.”


	6. Tuchanka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More incredible art in this chapter!

  
  


Thessia tastes like Virmire. Like oil. Bitter and sick, nauseating. Like putrid, rotting flesh, green around the edges from decay and misuse. Like death, only this time, it’s not just Ashey; this time, it’s everything. Everybody. They will die, every single life that exists at this moment in time and all future moments, will die. Because of him. Because he had failed.

 

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy is utterly silent. What is there to say? The commander knows that they would follow his lead, in any way he needed them to, even if that meant putting away their own grief out of respect for his. What he’s done to deserve a crew, with loyalty this deep, he’ll never understand. The fools will continue following him, too. He closes his eyes to drown out the sensations. Of light, because he wants to be in the darkness. Of the weight of their eyes on him, because he doesn’t want them to see. Not what’s in his heart, not now.

 

Javik and Liara scamper from the shuttle as soon as they dock, away from Shepard’s pain, away from the dirt and grime and blood of Thessia on their armor. Vega, sensing the storm surrounding the commander, jumps into the elevator after them.

 

The bay is silent as Steve exits the shuttle. He walks around to the side door and grabs Shepard’s hand, pulling him from the shuttle and his own personal hell. The quiet calm of Steve Cortez is greatly appreciated. Not quite like Kaidan would be, but he’s not sure facing Kaidan is a thing he can handle at the moment. He murmurs thanks as Steve helps him remove his armor in a dreamlike state that’s really a defense mechanism; Shepard is barely holding together at the seams. 

 

What would happen if he tore apart is uncertain. Perhaps a wild rage, though with his L5n implants that would be extremely dangerous. Despite being the best warship any fleet has to offer, the  _ Normandy _ still isn’t made to withstand a biotic tantrum. Tears are his only other option, and he desperately does not want his crew to see him in that state, old notions of masculinity be damned. If there’s any hope of finding Kai Leng and finishing this damn war, they can’t afford to see him like this.

 

So Shepard keeps his back straight as he marches to the lift, forcing his head high, though his muscles feel so tense they might as well be made of ice. He breathes. In deep. Out slow. One thing at a time.

 

Admiral Hackett is manageable; the man understands the pressures of command and especially the heaviness of loss - this one’s personal for him, too. Any failure of Shepard’s is a failure of his. And he’d seen Earth, knew firsthand what they were up against. Somehow, Hackett manages to hold on to some semblance of quiet hope, which calms Shepard immensely. It gives him enough strength to make the next call.

 

It still takes every ounce of willpower he has to get through it. Tevos needs him strong, just like his crew, so he’s strong for her - he remembers watching from orbit as Reapers tore Earth apart. He knows the horror better than anyone, understanding that an entire people are counting on him to show them the way. So he lets his empathy guide him as he informs the councilor that Thessia herself is overrun, that Thessia is lost to the Reapers, and that he had let her down, let them all down. He’ll stand accountable for what he had failed to do.

 

But he can’t even manage an ‘I’m sorry’ until it’s too late, and she’s gone. He counts himself a coward for that.

 

A few moments of silence in the comm room, staring into the distance, and suddenly he has to get out of there,  _ has _ to, can’t stand it, feels his breath shortening, needs to get out of his skin, out of this place-

 

_ Go go go now, run, Shepard! _

 

Without remembering how he’d made it up, he realizes he’s alone in his cabin. Thankfully, finally alone, resting against the fish tank in its soft glow. But still the tears will not come. He finds himself lost in a sea of despair, flailing aimlessly. Wilting as he begins to sink into the abyss of his thoughts. He floats there for some time, trying his best to ignore the world around him.

 

Slowly it starts to come back.

 

The hydraulic hiss.

 

Light footsteps he’d recognize anywhere.

 

Kaidan. Of course.

 

Shepard is immensely thankful for the courage that had allowed Kaidan to break his silence about his feelings. What kind of resolve would Shepard have without him now? His back is nearly broken, and he’s so goddamned  _ tired. _ Would it matter if he survived anymore? Even if they manage to win, he feels like he’s coming unglued. Like the infamous Humpty-Dumpty, no species in the universe can put him together again. No one can possibly undo the damage done by this war. And there’s only one man who can pull him from these depressing thoughts, the only man who knows he even has them. 

 

John thanks all that’s good in the universe that that man is here now.

 

Kaidan sinks to the floor beside Shepard, slow and quiet. He reaches out and wraps his arms around his lover, pulling Shepard’s head down to rest on his shoulder. He’s met with no resistance, as the great Commander Shepard can barely keep himself upright. They sit that way for minutes, maybe hours, neither of them know, just taking comfort in the warmth of the other, and the knowledge that no matter what comes, they’ll at least have each other.

 

After awhile, Shepard looks up, and in his eyes is something new. Kaidan tilts his head, a soft smile coming to his lips, full of warmth and love, and he nods. No words are necessary. 

 

“Okay. Yeah. Okay, John.”

 

Kaidan stands, watching with concern as Shepard sits back against the glass, listless, seeming unable to move. He reaches down and, like with a child, scoops Shepard up into his arms. Shepard feels small and light all of a sudden, fragile as glass, but if Kaidan feels uneasy at his commander’s apparent weakness, he doesn’t show it.

 

Gently, he deposits Shepard on the bed. Chocolate-brown eyes stare down at John, into him, like he’s reading not just his mind, but his soul as well. Kaidan leans in for a kiss, soft and unhurried but full of a power neither have felt before, something building from the depths of their bond.

 

As the kiss breaks, Shepard gazes up into the honey brown eyes of the only man he’ll ever love. Kaidan removes his clothing, and then helps John out of his. Shepard finds himself gently pushed down onto his stomach as his lover straddles him, and is pleasantly surprised when he starts to rub his shoulders and back. In all the years of his life, nobody has ever done that. A sigh escapes him, one of thanks both to Kaidan and to whatever higher power had delivered him.

 

After an indeterminable period of time, John realizes that Kaidan had stopped the massage. He opens one eye and looks back to see Kaidan just watching him, taking inventory of every curve, angle, and scar on his body. Meeting eyes, they give each other small smiles; Shepard’s turns shy when he realizes what he’d asked of his lover, what he still cannot deny that he needs.

 

Suddenly serious, he turns over, letting Kaidan remain straddling him, but facing the other man now. “I want you inside me, Kaidan,” he whispers. Both of their bodies react to the words. “Take me. Please.” 

 

A singularity is growing between them, borne of both men and demanding its meal.

 

They had each thought they’d be nervous in this moment, when they’d discussed the possibility one night when John was punch drunk, but Kaidan certainly doesn’t seem it and John feels surprisingly calm. It’s not that he’s given up, though those who don’t know him as deeply as the major knows him might think so if they could see him now. He’s simply desperate for soft surroundings, and Kaidan is the balm for his soul, always has been. Never had Shepard known that he needed that balm, red-blooded Vanguard that he is. Not until Kaidan. And he will never let Kaidan go now that he knows what it’s like.

 

“Look at me, John. I want you to relax. Just focus on my eyes, okay?” Shepard nods, glassy-eyed. He feels Kaidan’s power humming, watches as the blue glow surrounds him, marvels at Kaidan’s control as he lets forth a steady stream of biotic energy that pulses down into Shepard’s chest. The glow surrounds both of them, and Shepard can feel his pulse slowing, his muscles slackening, as his mind drifts. He looks to Kaidan again, in awe, his beautiful Kaidan.

 

Shepard watches as his lover spreads lubricant over a finger, stares entranced by it until it disappears out of sight between his legs. Without instruction, he shifts and opens himself, gasping at the intrusion when Kaidan’s digit slips inside him. Kaidan smiles at him comfortingly.

 

One more finger, and this time his lover pushes in a little deeper. Shepard moans, but not in pain;instead, he feels full, in a rather pleasant way… until Kaidan hits  _ that _ spot, and the world turns a searing, blinding white. He has to close his eyes against the onslaught - it’s  _ too much _ ! - but the groan that escapes him clearly says  _ please, more. _

 

In response, Kaidan adds a third finger and works him open, methodically stretching him in preparation for his cock. He’s determined to make it as pleasurable as possible, obviously, and Shepard loves him for it, because he desperately needs this, to be overwhelmed and just let go. In its way, it’s as important as any war effort. Not that Kaidan would ever consider such a duty to be a sacrifice. 

 

Shepard can’t say how long it is before he’s ready, but all he knows is that he’s begging for it, whimpering even, breathless with a need he never knew was possible. It’s nothing like being on the other side. He feels open and wanton and precious and vulnerable all at the same time. 

 

Kaidan draws it out, lets it linger, knowing that the emotional release lurking behind this act for Shepard is a package requiring delicate handling, but at the moment, Shepard doesn’t care. Shepard wants. He  _ needs _ . But Kaidan’s gentle kiss pulls him back into the moment, and they meet each other’s eyes. Love thick in the air between them, John’s radiant blue eyes giving him permission, Kaidan gently pushes himself forward into John.

 

Shepard’s eyes widen immediately. He feels no pain, just amazement. Kaidan puts his hands into the commander’s, so that they’re clasped next to Shepard’s head, and stares deep into him as he bottoms out. Then he flares his biotics again, enveloping them both in the scent of ozone and musk while the cabin glows an iridescent blue, the color of the eezo in their veins and the matching tint of John’s eyes. In return, Shepard flares his own, and they both gasp in the tingling heat of their biotics flickering across their skin.

 

Of their own accord, Shepard’s hips arch up to meet his lover’s, and Kaidan begins to move inside him. John had had no idea it could ever be this good, to be filled as though their bodies had always been made for each other. He gasps into Kaidan’s mouth, trying to find air, trying to say anything as words leave him and he feels his orgasm quickly approaching, unable to hold back when Kaidan thrusts against that sensitive spot that sends sparks flying, melting all rational thought as it travels up his spine.

 

He feels like he’s going to overload, like a blown amp, crash and burn and rise again like a phoenix.

 

“Slow and steady, okay? Don’t let it consume you. Look at me. Stay here. C’mon, John. I love you. Always. Love you.” 

 

In a trance, John stares at him, just breathing the same air. There’s nothing in his mind in this moment. All thoughts of death and Thessia and the war have fled. All that’s left now is Kaidan, the truth of him, the essence. 

 

Kaidan keeps talking to him, soft words of love and meaningless noises meant to soothe him. Shepard’s gone, feeling the comforting words slide over his skin like silk but not really hearing them, lost in some other place that defies definition or meaning. The glow of Kaidan’s eyes are so rich, chocolate-brown in the dim cabin light, tinged with the blue of their now-synchronized low-level biotic field.

 

“Together, right?” Kaidan murmurs.

 

In answer, John clasps his hands tighter. The areas where their bodies meet become focal points. John usually leads the way, here as everywhere else, but this time, he gives himself up to Kaidan, gives of his soul until the wave crests, flying higher than he’d ever imagined possible, and they come together, panting and heaving and breathless through the aftershocks until they’re both utterly spent.

 

And then, in the afterglow, held safely in Kaidan’s arms, he lets it go. The tears flow, scalding him in their intensity. He cries, allowing himself to drop that carefully-crafted control he’s held onto so tightly ever since Mindoir, since he lost everything. In Kaidan’s arms, he unravels.

 

“It’s okay,  _ shhh _ , it’s okay,” Kaidan murmurs against his forehead, pulling Shepard against him so that he’s wrapped up like a precious gift. “Let it go. I’m here, you know? Let it out.”

 

He does - spirits, does he. By the time the tears are dried up, Shepard can hardly breathe and feels like he’s been practicing for the N7 exam. He feels like a prune, washed out in the sun, old and wrinkled and ready for sleep. 

 

“Hey, you. You’re gonna have one tonight, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Shepard whispers. “No gettin’ around it.”

 

“Okay. I was gonna go and call Tevos myself, but I’m not leaving you here like this.”

 

“Kaidan-”

 

“No, John. I’ll get in touch with Liara. I’m not leaving your side tonight, nightmares or no. Got it?”

 

John smiles wanly up at him. “Aye, Major.”

 

“She’ll have control of the ship while you’re indisposed. But your work is done for the night. If the ship’s not under attack, no one is going to bother you until at least 0800 tomorrow. That’s an order.”

 

“You’re sexy when you take charge, you know that?” John asks shyly, and Kaidan grins.

 

“You’re still in charge, John,” he quips. “I’m just here for those moments you need to let go.”

 

“Thank you for showing me that sometimes I  _ need _ to let go,” Shepard replies. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you here.”

 

“You would’ve soldiered on, just like you always have. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met, Shepard.”

 

John sighs. “You make me so much stronger, K.”

 

Kaidan hums his approval. “Did you hear Allers refer to us as a ‘power couple?’”

 

“Does she know about us now?”

 

“C’mon, Shepard, people not even on the ship knew about us the day we got together. Hell, a few knew it before we did. There’s no way Allers wasn’t going to find out sooner or later, no matter how hard we tried to hide it.”

 

“Well, maybe we should make sure she doesn’t say anything. If she hasn’t already, that is.”

 

“Would it be so bad if the universe knew about us?”

 

Shepard takes a moment to consider that. “Might be good for morale,” he admits. “There aren’t many homophobes left, though I’ve met a few in the military. I think most people would take heart from it.” He purses his lips. “Let me think on it. Maybe we’ll make an announcement. I’d rather that than there be a rumor mill about it, you know?”

 

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

 

“You should go talk to Liara,” John says softly. 

 

“I’ll do that the second you’re asleep.”

 

Shepard can’t believe how lucky he is to have this man. Kaidan is so genuine and so… good - there’s just no other word for it, that’s what he is - that the galaxy would be a lesser place without him in it. Shepard’s last thought before sleep claims him is that he’s going to make sure Kaidan survives this war no matter what it takes.

 

***

 

_ There’s brutes and husks and marauders everywhere, filling three-dimensional space like tetris blocks, or so Shepard feels - doesn’t make sense, but he’s buried and that’s all there is to it. He’s fighting his way through the blood and guts and gore, slipping on intestines and crushed skulls, knowing he has to make it to the Reaper and to Mordin in time and in despair that he’ll never make it. He can taste the urgency in the air, can breathe it in like so much acrid smoke, and it makes him cough and dry heave all at once, mid-battle.  _

 

_ Shepard may be a simple soldier, but there is one thing he knows: the krogan are one of the many obstacles standing between the galaxy and annihilation, and this mission cannot fail, even if it means his own death. But that death has to mean something, and yes - he’s dying. Out of medi-gel, still several kilometers from the Shroud, and from Mordin, and from the saving of the krogan and the galaxy itself with them. Despair grips him; how is he going to make it?  _

 

_ And suddenly the Reaper is upon him and the entire group. He stands in direct sight of its deadly laser and nearly shits himself because this? This was not in the contract he signed when he became a soldier. Still, he’s their leader, and where he goes, they will follow. So he goes, running past the monsters and hitting the gongs to call Kalros herself, and what an emotional rollercoaster it all is, because suddenly, she’s there. She’s real, she’s there, and she’s killing it, defending her territory as fiercely as any krogan who’s ever lived. It’s glorious, one of the most incredible sights Shepard’s ever seen. And it might just be one Reaper, but this Reaper is special, because beyond its line of sight lies a key to the war, and maybe they can make it now, maybe if he just pushes a little more - _

 

_ The Shroud sings a mournful song made of static and dust, and he’s got a bad feeling, a terrible feeling that it doesn’t matter how far they’ve come, the STG sabotage will win out in the end. Mordin won’t be able to get the cure in before the Shroud goes up in flames. He sprints flat-out and catches Mordin at the console. They’re alone. It’s up to them. _

 

_ “I have to go up there,” Mordin tells him, and no - he’ll never make it in time, and he certainly won’t be coming back if he does. _

 

_ “No way, Mordin! You’ll die!” _

 

_ “No better way to go, Commander. It’s been a pleasure knowing you.” _

 

_ “Mordin!” he cries, but it’s too late, the elevator’s on the way up, and the place is gathering electricity like the world’s biggest natural disaster just waiting to happen. He’s gotta get free, it’s just like the thresher maw on Akuze, there’s nothing he can do now but run - _

 

_ The Shroud blows. Mordin’s elevator car is halfway up the shaft, but it’s too little, too late. Mordin’s gone, his friend is gone, and all for nothing, because the cure and their hope for a future is gone with him…  _

 

_ *** _

 

Shepard jerks awake in a panic, sweaty and aching, pulse pounding in his ears, hands covering them, curled into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. Kaidan’s hand is on his back, soothing, but that’s all the sensory information he’s got; most of him is still stuck in that dry heat under the Shroud. It takes him awhile to come back to the cabin, back to reality, led by Kaidan’s gentle caresses. He finds himself wrapped in strong arms. 

 

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay, John, it’s okay,” Kaidan comforts him.

 

“Oh god,” John moans, and his throat hurts - he’s been screaming again, no doubt about that. 

 

“Shh, let me get you some water. I’ll be right back. Okay?”

 

“Ugh… yeah,” Shepard replies, and forces himself to uncurl as Kaidan gets up to fetch a bottle. He tries not to think, to let himself drift as he waits for his partner to return.

 

Concern is written all over Kaidan’s face when he comes back. “You okay?” he asks as he gently hands over the water bottle.

 

“I’m good. Pathetic, but good,” John says bitterly, sitting up to drink.

 

Kaidan scoffs. “Hardly. We lost Thessia yesterday, Shepard. If that doesn’t give a person nightmares, there’s something wrong with them.”

 

John sighs. “And you? Have you slept?”

 

“Ahh… no, I haven’t. Been watching you, to be honest.” He blushes, and Shepard can’t help but grin.

 

“There’s my Major,” he says softly, reaching a hand out to cup Kaidan’s chin.

Kaidan just blushes harder. “Yeah. Can’t seem to help myself. After last night… after what you let me do…” 

 

Kaidan can’t seem to continue his thought, caught up by emotions or memories, the weight of the moment, and yeah - he’s right. It was a big deal, John’s first time bottoming, actually allowing someone inside of him in a way he’d never have dreamed he would. And it was good, damn good, Kaidan making love to him like that. 

 

“I know,” he says, dropping his hand. “And you helped. It’s just, there was no way tonight was ending in anything but a nightmare.”

 

“I know,” Kaidan parrots. “Wanna talk about it?”

 

“I can. I haven’t really processed it… Mordin’s death, that is. I dreamt that we… that I failed in curing the genophage. That the STG sabotage worked, and the Shroud went up before he could even make it to the top.” 

 

Kaidan gets him settled, curled around him again. “Talk to me. Tell me about it.”

 

So Shepard does. And Shepard cries - again, which is humiliating, but by the time the tears are finished for the second time tonight, he feels exhausted enough to go back to sleep, and this time, he doesn’t dream at all. 


	7. Earth

  
  


The crew feels it. This is the end. 

 

Shepard catches Garrus and Tali in the forward battery, and it makes him smile even as his own heart beats out of his chest. Donnelly and Gabby finally start makin’ time. And if he squints, if he’s not kidding himself, he thinks that maybe - maybe - there’s something between Cortez and Vega. A kinship, romantic or otherwise. 

 

Point is, they all cling to each other. The end is coming. 

 

After a long day of planning the attack on London, analyzing the Citadel and the Crucible, and meeting with Hackett - who congratulates him on his marriage in person, for which Shepard cannot express enough thanks - he makes his way to his cabin. The lights are off, the room is silent except for the soothing bubbles of the fish tank, and the love of his life is cocooned in their bed. A migraine. 

 

_ He needs me _ , Shepard thinks, and then hates himself for his second thought:  _ He has to be ready to fight tomorrow. I need him, too. _

 

Shaking his head, Shepard makes his way to the bed and snuggles against his husband, pressing his chest to Kaidan’s back and pulling him in. Kaidan groans in pain but goes with it, feeling comforted by the closeness and skin-to-skin contact. 

 

Shepard gently kisses the back of Kaidan’s neck, being careful not to jostle him too much. “Do you remember the first time you were in bed with me like this?” he murmurs. “I was so worried you’d be upset with yourself, and with me, the next morning. That you’d regret it.”

 

Kaidan sighs in his arms. “Never,” he says, as vehemently as possible given the circumstances.

 

John hums. “You gonna be okay?”

 

“Always am, John. Just gotta get through it. Like your nightmares, you know?” 

 

“Yeah, I do.” He lies in contemplative silence for awhile. Then: “I have them so rarely now, thanks to you.”

 

“You do realize I used to have migraines every week or so, right?”

 

He frowns. “No, I didn’t know that. Jesus, Kaidan, how did you live that way?”

 

“In a lot of pain,” Kaidan says, like it doesn’t matter. “You’re just as much a balm to my soul as I am to yours, Shepard.”

 

Shepard smiles. God, he loves Kaidan. “Get some sleep, K. Got a big day tomorrow… maybe the last.”

 

Kaidan grips his forearms hard, pulling them against his chest. “Don’t say that. It won’t be the last… it won’t be the last until we’re old and grey and sleepy all the time. Got it?”

 

Shepard can’t help it - he laughs. Silently and with minimal shaking, of course. “One hundred percent, Major.”

 

“Good. Now you go to sleep.”

 

“Aye-aye, Major.”

  
  


***

 

_ It’s the boy again. The forest. The fire all around him. The voices. It’s ugly, pain and death surrounding him and fear - oh god, so much fear. He’s never felt it like this, the nearness of it all, even though he’s been here before and knows how this ends. Like maybe it’s going to get him now, too. He’ll join them - Mordin, Ashley, Thane. All those who’ve died on Earth, on Thessia. Those who’re mourned, those with no one left to mourn them.  _

 

_ He’ll join them at the end, won’t he?  _

 

_ Won’t they all anyway? Does any of this even matter? Why bother fighting when the end is only death? _

 

_ That’s ridiculous, and he knows it. He’s been through too much to give up now. Death may claim him in the end, but he still has a long life ahead of him. A life of peace. Kaidan. Family, a new kind, of his own choosing, if not his own blood.  _

 

_ And just like that, miracle of miracles, the forest clears. He sees the boy running into the distance, an empty, white space… no, a desert leading to an ocean, where the boy finally stops and looks back. There’s no fire this time, nothing but trust and love in his eyes. In the air around him.  _

 

_ Is this the future, what it can look like if he manages to do this thing? To fix it all? Is it death - is that the only place they’ll find peace? He doesn’t know, but it’s pleasant, and that’s a change. This isn’t somewhere he’s ever been before, and he’ll be damned if he lets the opportunity to enjoy the peace pass him by.  _

 

_ And Kaidan… Kaidan is there, suddenly, behind the boy, catching him up in his arms and making him fly through the air like an airplane. God, what a sight. The ocean sighs and the boy laughs with joy and Kaidan laughs with him and - and there’s nothing like this in the whole of the galaxy.  _

 

_ And then Shepard knows: he can do this. He can fix this, can kill the Reapers once and for all, can rid the universe of their scourge. Those voices that he’d feared… they’re spurring him on, trying to make him see that their sacrifices were not in vain.  _

 

_ The sun comes out behind clouds he hadn’t even realized were there, shining upon the sea and upon his love and upon the boy, and that’s it - he feels wakefulness calling to him, up up up, and he’s here, and the sounds of the ocean waves follow him, driving him on to London… and beyond. _

 

_ *** _

 

Kaidan is so sweet, so awkward, even now. Even as he tells Shepard that his students are kicking ass, even as he tells him that he’s never been to London. Like maybe he’s hinting that they should come back once this is all over, and bless him for that. 

 

Shepard’s trying so hard to hang on to that feeling he had last night, when he woke up in Kaidan’s arms and felt like it was all going to be okay. He’s still leaning that way, but he can’t help but feel like he’s saying goodbye to everyone. It’s possible - probable, even - that at least some of the crew won’t make it through this. All his friends - his family, really - are in danger, even him. Even Kaidan. 

 

But Kaidan… Kaidan has to make it through this. Please _ god, _ say he makes it through this. 

 

Shepard turns around and sees that Kaidan is watching him, longing written plainly on his face. Fear, too. There’s more to say, they both know it. So Shepard puts his cowardice aside and goes to him: his lover, his best friend, his husband. 

 

“Come with me,” he tells Kaidan, low, beckoning him to follow down a side street. He wants this to be private. 

 

“What’s going on, Shepard?”

 

John takes a deep breath and looks at the street, then stares out at the rubble beyond the wall. He can’t seem to look at Kaidan all of a sudden. 

 

“I just… I need you to know a few things…” 

 

Kaidan can hear the distress in his voice - he’s such an empath, Shepard wouldn’t be surprised if he had a legitimate sixth sense. “Shepard, it’s okay. Really. I know. We don’t have to say anything to know how we feel about each other, do we?” He looks at Shepard imploringly, and -  _ damn _ \- Shepard loves him.

 

“Yeah, I know you’re right. I’m just… damn afraid, Kaidan.” He sighs and gives Kaidan a small smile. “I have to pretend like everything’s alright in front of the crew. It’s just… what if we don’t make it out? I mean, I think we’ve got a damn good chance, and a lot of that’s thanks to you, you know?” That sounds familiar, and he laughs a little. Kaidan and Shepard, peas in a pod. “But there’s no guarantee. And I need to make sure-”

 

Kaidan grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him, a soft meeting of lips that leads to more, but only after several minutes. Shepard allows himself to get lost in it. If this might be the last time… and there’s no use thinking that way, but if it  _ is _ , he’s gonna get the most out of it. 

 

He deepens the kiss, tonguing Kaidan’s mouth and tasting him, reveling in the comfort and familiarity of the one man that’s ever made him feel like this. Like he can let down his guard, like he can let go of control for once in his damn life. 

 

When it’s over, they’re both breathing hard and aroused in their armor - it’s uncomfortable, but that’s alright. They’re allowed to do this, allowed to be breathless and needy once in awhile. Especially now.

 

They walk back to the FOB, and Vega cheers from across the street, likely knowing what they’ve been doing. Kaidan waves, but Shepard just rolls his eyes. Vega seems to have embraced the fact that he’s seen the two of them in an incredibly intimate moment and made peace with it. The whole crew has seen them in various states of disarray, in fact, but that’s okay, too. They’re happy that their first and second-in-command have found happiness together. Now more than ever, love is all that matters.

 

***

 

Shepard tells himself that as he sends Kaidan away. He tells himself that it was the right decision, as he senses rather than sees the ship fly off into the night sky, past Harbinger and past danger. He tells himself it’s going to be alright, they’ll win this thing together. He’s there to fire the Crucible, and Kaidan’s safe. They’re going to make it.

 

And then, hours later, as he makes his way to what he guesses will be the end - of the Reapers, of the geth, of EDI, of him - he holds onto that last shred of hope. 

 

One day soon, he’ll see Kaidan again. One way or another, they’ll find each other again. That chain around his neck guarantees it. They’ll find him, buried in the rubble but alive.

 

He takes a breath and lines up the shot.

 

Here goes nothing.

  
  


***

 

There’s a pair of gorgeous brown eyes staring back at him when awakens. The man says, “Shepard,” in a broken voice, and he knows then that a miracle has happened. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's my Big Bang for 2018. It's been a long journey - some of this is from when I first started writing a year and a half ago. I wanted to bring all the TFIO stories together, so if you've been following that, you'll probably recognize a lot of things.
> 
> I do have one more story to tell of these two dorks, and then I think their story will be finished. 
> 
> Thanks to those of you who read my writing and have supported me from the beginning. I don't know what I would've done without that support.


End file.
